That was it.
Because whatever else I might want it to be, there was no room in my life for feelings.
No room for love.
No room for Hope.
I knew where that road led, and I refused to go down it again.
“Wait a second,” Hope said, pausing in front of the sofa.
“What?”
“We aren’t going to…” She swallowed, looked away nervously, then looked at me again.
“Going to what?” I asked.
“Going to get married,” she said.
Her voice was almost inaudible over the last word, yet another clue as to how she felt about the marriage.
The need to reassure her was intense, and I shook my head. “No.”
I wasn’t sure whether to be offended or angry at how relieved she looked as she started to approach me again.
Truth was, it pissed me off, every instinct inside of me wanting to claim her for myself.
But I kept that in check.
And what I didn’t tell her I had been rethinking the marriage altogether.
Being close to me made her a target, and marriage was one way to protect her.
But I had resources, contacts, and with those, I could set her up somewhere else, give her the chance to live the life she deserved.
One that didn’t include me.
I looked at her as she got into the car, no longer nervous, looking almost comfortable.
I sure as fuck felt that way, but it didn’t matter.
Hope was a good person.
She deserved the world.
Deserved much more than an old, nearly washed-up gangster could give her. And who knew? Maybe taking care of her, seeing that she had the opportunities she deserved would be a market in my favor, a sign of good character in a life that had so few of those.
After the garage door opened, I accelerated, the way the car jerked making me realize that I pressed the gas harder than I intended.
Told myself it was just momentary inattention, not my reaction to the empty, bereft feeling that crept over me like the arctic cold at the thought of Hope being gone from my life.
It didn’t matter. I’d been alone before, could be alone again.
But while she was here, I would enjoy it.
Enjoy her.
And pretend, at least for a little while, that I was a man worthy of her.