Page 50 of Merry Kissmas

I have no words because it’s perfect.“Yeah,” I say, turning around and facing the television.

“Did you think I’d forget?”he asks, voice serious.

“Hoped maybe.”I stare at my lap, my fingers fidgeting until I stuff my hands under my thighs.

“Why?I’ve thought about that conversation so many times.Wondered about the parents whose marriage you put high on a pedestal.Wondered if I could have had you think as highly of me as you thought of your dad.Most of all, could I have been the man who was lucky enough to give you that life?”

I stand, unsure where to go, but unable to sit here any longer.“You…” I take a deep breath.“You can’t just say things like that.”

“What am I doing?Recounting the time we had together.”

I throw my hands in the air.“You told me nothing.All this does is confirm that I bared myself to you, and you told me nothing about yourself.The connection I’ve been chasing with every guy after you… it was all a fraud because you never even told me about your parents’ death or that you went to boarding school or anything about your life now that I think about it.”

He stands but doesn’t approach me.“Because I didn’t want that pitying look.Not from you.I didn’t want that to factor into what you felt for me.You want to know what I figured out that first night we met?”

“Not really.”I shake my head.

“That you had a huge heart, and you were one of those people who takes other people in.And now that I’ve met your family, I see it’s been ingrained in you from birth.They’re all welcoming and trying to help me be comfortable.So, let’s say that on the first night I dumped my shitty past in your lap—it would have been the only thing you saw about me.”

“You don’t know that.You didn’t give me a chance.”

He breezes by me, grabs his coat off the coat rack, and shrugs it on before leaning closer, his lips so close to my ear.“I do know because when you found out, you hugged me so tightly that for the first time in years, tears filled my eyes.It made me feel weak, and that’s not how I ever want you to see me.”He turns and opens the door, leaving.

Twenty minutes go by and still no sign of Pierce.When a knock lands on the door, I open the door, thinking maybe he forgot the code.But of course it isn’t him.

My mom stands in her pajamas, a coat wrapped around her.“I saw Pierce leave.”I rush into her arms, and she wraps them around me, running her hands down my back.“Are you finally ready to talk to me?”

I nod into her down coat, and she nudges me inside so she can shut the door.

“Want to start from the beginning?”She goes over to the coffee pot and places a hot cocoa pod into the machine.

As it brews, I tell her our story.Him picking me up from the pub, the walk around London, his apartment, and me spending the weekend with him.

“I’m just not sure I want to go there again,” I say.

She hands me a cup of cocoa and sits with her own on the couch.“Brynn, you’ve always had this fierceness about you.Smart-mouthed.Wanting to keep up with your brothers made you tough, and I never felt that I had to worry about you except for one thing.”She nods toward my heart.“Your heart was always open, and I had a feeling when you came back from London that someone had hurt you.You didn’t approach love as freely and with open arms like you had before.The longer you never brought anyone home, never talked about a man, it just cemented my assumption.Now that I’ve met the man who?—”

“He didn’t break my heart.I only knew him for a couple months, and it was over in one weekend.”I sip my cocoa.

My mom stares at me.“He broke something.Maybe it was your ability to sink into that hope at the beginning of a relationship.Maybe it made you afraid of being hurt again.”She sighs.“I blame your dad and me.We just showed you too good of a life.”She laughs.

“Mom.”I shake my head at her.

“I know.I know.But I think he was your first realization that life isn’t always easy.Pierce might not have broken your heart, but maybe he crushed your spirit.He was young himself, though.And now that I know about his past, that’s a lot of stuff to deal with for a young man.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Do you still like him?Those butterflies zooming?”

I nod.

“After London, did you survive?”

I nod, pressing my lips together.

“If this doesn’t work out, it will hurt, but you’ll get through it like you did last time.It’s never a mistake to love someone who’s worthy of it, should never be a regret to go all in.If it works out, there are no regrets, and the only way you’ll ever know is to go for it.What if your future is filled with love?”

I rock my head back.My mom always gives the best talks, and this is exactly why I didn’t want to go to her first.I knew she’d encourage me to give Pierce another chance.And it’s scary.Whether it should be or not, it is.

---