Page 61 of Sick Bargain

Kill me, Ghost. Kill me, Soren.It’ll be a favour.

Electricity crackles in the air, and then we’re both tense and spasming on the stone floor of the cell. Not even electrical chains can jar me back to life. When the shock stops and the tremors fade, I stay there and stare at the ceiling, feeling nothing but death.

Not even numbness. No, I’m too guilty to feel numb. I don’t deserve numb. I deserve pain and suffering, emotional turmoil, and unrelenting shame. Because I failed him, and now Soren has to suffer the loss of another brother and prepare for his death next. Because I’m stupid. I made a deal with a Sauder man and thought myself stronger than his curse.

How fucking dumb have I been? I’m not strong. I’m pathetic. Fucking useless. Good for nothing but harm and death, and that’s exactly what I did to Remiel. I killed him when I told him I wouldn’t.

I became obsessed with him quicker than I realized. I ruined him so thoroughly that I’ve ruined myself.

Ghost is crying next to me. I’ve never seen him cry before. Not even when his dad and brothers died, but he’s doing it now, and it sinks me further into shame. I don’t know if I’m capable of crying, but to know I’ve made him weep for the loss of yet another brother is enough to gloss my eyes with something wet.

His hand jerks, landing on mine, and he doesn’t move it. He keeps it there, his palm on the top of my hand, and continues to hyperventilate next to me. I spread my fingers so his fall through them, and he doesn’t fight it.

I killed his brother.

I killed his last remaining brother.

I killed the person he was trying to save.

I killed his last hope of beating the curse.

I killed his pride by proving to him that he’s not strong enough to end the curse either.

I’ve never been sorry before, but I am now.

“Both of you,” someone shouts, banging against the bars of the cell. “Look.”

Neither of us lift our heads. I don’t think I can. I can’t even move because I don’t want to move. I’ll fade away right here and fight my way through Purgatory to get to wherever Remiel ends up.

“Suit yourself.”

Beeping, rushing, frantic voices and medical orders come from a speaker, but Ghost and I both jolt into a sitting position when Remiel’s cry of anguish joins the sounds. Seven stands outside the cell with a tablet aimed at us, showing Remiel being revived. Ransom is there, doing something to Remiel, and Director is handing him vials and syringes, and there are lines and wires everywhere.

Then Remiel coughs again. My cracked heart cracks even more, creating a fissure so wide the two halves will never go back together again. I don’t know if it’s relief I feel or something stronger, but the guilt is still rampant.

Seven clicks out of the video and opens another one. Remiel, on a hospital bed in the asylum, hooked up to a heart monitor that shows his is still beating.

“He made it. Thanks to Ransom.”

Ghost cries out in relief.

But that numbness I said I wasn’t worthy of has enveloped me in an unwanted hug.

Because Remiel is alive, and I can never see him again. If I do, I’ll kill him for trying to leave me. With the loss of grief, fury takes over.

21

NOT EVEN DEATH, REMIEL

REMIEL

I always thoughtthat when I went mad, it’d be this obvious trip to insanity, like I’d recognize when it was happening. I’ve been bracing for it all my life, so it’s not like I didn’t see it coming. I just didn’t see it cominglike that.

It wasn’t a slow build or an iconic downfall. It was fast and jarring, there in an instant, and poisoning my mind faster than I could apply the antidote. It was like a wasp sting. It hurt so fucking badly when it happened, and I was aware it had happened, and then… the burn spread. The sting of it was so harsh that I never stood a chance of fighting it off. Healing it. I turned black and couldn’t find any light.

I wonder if that’s what it was like for my brothers. My dad.

My youngest brother struggled for so long, trying to avoid the curse but not strong enough to withstand it. Gregory Malone pushed him over the edge. He differed from me, but still snapped in a second.

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