Page 73 of First Surrender

I would love a life like she described and I’ve never realized it until now. A house full of kids. A home, with her.

She’ll make me work for it, but I’ll do whatever it takes to earn her. I’ll show up every day until she chooses me.

“Thank you for taking care of me,” she whispers the words as if they’re stuck in her throat.

“Thank you for letting me.” We lay in silence for a few more minutes as the sun sinks in the sky, darkening the room, until her stomach growls.

“Hungry?”

“Uh, yeah I haven’t eaten all day. I should go make something.” She starts to get out of bed and I stop her.

“Stay here, I’ve got it.”

“You’re going to cook?” She asks, skeptically.

“Not quite.” I make a quick trip to the kitchen and return with the to-go boxes from my lunch. “My lunch meeting was cut short. She practically ran out of the place,” I laugh to myself but when I look up, Natalie’s gone still.

“She as in Mrs. Porter,” I clarify. “Who is like 50 and might be into some shady business.”

Her shoulders relax and she opens the box in her lap. She looks at her Club sandwich but her eyes flick to my Reuben and she switches the boxes. I have a feeling that no matter which way I placed the boxes the first time, she would have made me switch.

I’m still stuck on her little display of what I hope is jealousy when I mentioned having lunch with a woman.

I’m right here, sweetheart. All yours.

She starts cramping again not long after we eat but insists she only needs ibuprofen. The doctor told her that some pain is to be expected but I’m a worried mess.

Luckily, she doesn’t resist when I crawl back into bed with her and is actually the one pulling me closer.

I end up spooning her, cradling her body while she cradles her aching stomach. Her head rests on the bulge of my bicep while my other hand massages the soft curve of her waist. I dig my thumb gently into her lower back attempting to help give her some relief.

She moans quietly and mumbles, “Harder, please.”

That word is the most powerful weapon she holds against me and she doesn’t even realize it. There is nothing that could stop me from doing whatever she asks. This time it’s simple because I’m desperate to make her feel better, but I imagine that one dayit won’t be. She’ll plead for something that I can’t give her and she’ll leave.

Massaging her skin is all I can offer her for now so I do it diligently, rubbing her body until her muscles ease and she relaxes deeper against me. Just as she’s about to drift to sleep, she clasps my hand in hers and tucks it against her belly.

She holds our hands together against her aching womb, where our baby grew for a short time.

With her safely asleep, I let myself feel the loss fully for the first time.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Natalie

Iwake to an empty bed but I welcome the privacy. Today is a new day but I don’t know what that means for me and Jackson. Are we going to pretend like it never happened?

Are we friends now?

There are too many questions and not enough answers in my mind. There never are.

Rolling out of the king-size bed is painful only because I think I could sleep for two more days. My cramps have subsided and after a quick bathroom stop, the bleeding seems to be done as well. It’s as if it never happened at all.

Except that it did and I’ll forever hold the memory of being a mom for six weeks. Having a little piece of Jackson.

There’s a weight on my heart thinking that it might be all I’ll have. He’s proven that he’s a kind man, but that doesn’t mean I deserve him. He has more options out there than me, a girl with no job, a brother to take care of, and a boatload of childhood trauma.

Voices draw me out to the kitchen but I stop short and listen before they see me.

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