Page 71 of First Surrender

It only takes a few minutes for his talking to turn into leg rubbing. His hand goes higher and higher up my thigh until he reaches the hem of my tulle skirt. My dress is a hand-me-down from a local church, but it’s sparkly and pretty. I only got it because it was cheap and Connor offered to buy it. Plus, my mom didn’t have to know. She’d tell me how hideous I look in it anyway.

“I don’t want to do anything, Connor.”

“It’s okay. We’re boyfriend and girlfriend, this is what we’re supposed to do.” He kisses me sloppily and even though I don’t have any other experience, I know it’s not like this in the movies.

His hand moves until he touches my panties, his fingers fumbling with the material. I don’t want him to do this, but I don’t want him to be mad. He’s my first boyfriend, maybe I am supposed to do this.

When a finger finds my opening, he shoves it in and I squirm away. That did not feel good. Again, I don’t think that’s how it is in the movies. The women are always moaning and smiling, this doesn’t feel like that.

“Come on, Nat. Let me touch you.” He kisses me again and pushes my shoulders back until I’m lying down. He takes my panties off and I turn my head to the side so I don’t have to look.

He fiddles with me, pushing a finger in and twisting, then another. It doesn’t feel good. When something blunt pushes at me, I tense. “What are you doing?” I try to squeeze my legs shut but his body is in the way.

His hip bones are jabbing into my inner thighs and his pants are shoved down to his thighs.

“We’re making love Nat, like boyfriends and girlfriends, remember?” His penis nudges me again but doesn’t enter me. It can’t, everything’s too dry.

“I don’t want to.”

His eyes narrow and he huffs. “I took you to the dance, didn’t I? Asked you out? I’ve been real good to you, right?”

“Um. Yeah,” I whisper.

“All of that and you won’t do this for me? Why are you being so selfish?”

He’s mad. I don’t want him to be mad at me. Am I being selfish?

He has been the only boy to ask me out. Maybe no one else will ever like me…

I nod my head and turn it to the side again. My whole body trembles as he shoves his way inside of me. It burns. Each time he moves it hurts but I hold my breath to avoid making a noise until I can’t stand the pain.

“Connor, it hurts. Can we stop?” My distress doesn’t even slow him down, I want him to stop but I’m afraid to disappoint him. “Please!”

He doesn’t stop. Not until his eyes roll back in his head and plops back on his heels. The condom that I didn’t even know he was wearing is filled with his release and coated in my blood. Heonly looks at me for a second before he pulls his pants up and leaves the room.

If he is my boyfriend then why doesn’t he care that he was hurting me? Why didn’t he stop?

The tears stream across my temples and dampen my hair as I lay in regret. That’s not how it was supposed to be.

Present.

My calf is cramping. My knee is bent at an off angle, so I stretch it, trying to ease the ache until I realize my leg is draped across something hard and elevated, making my eyes ping open.

A hip. My leg is draped across Jackson’s hip.

Not only that, my entire body is lying on top of his with my hand plastered to his face.

I peel myself away but not subtly enough because he blinks awake and looks at me. There is no immediate surprise on his face, he’s not at all concerned by my body on his.

My other leg is tangled in the sheet and I can’t get loose. I thump back onto my pillow in defeat, too exhausted to fight it. My eyes sting from all the crying.

There’s a soft cramping in my stomach but I’m not feeling as fragile as I was before. I’m still sad, but I think the nap helped.

“What time is it?” I ask the ceiling.

“Six.” His voice is low, sleepy. It makes me want to curl back into him, but I refrain. “Should I be at all concerned by Dec’s wellbeing?”

I snort. “No. He went to Charlie’s after school. His mom will bring him back here first thing in the morning before his sister’s ballet recital.” Charlie’s mom, Sienna, has been my saving grace since Dec’s been in school this year. She’s saved me on more than one occasion.

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