Page 62 of First Surrender

“I can make it on Wednesday since Dec will be at Charlie’s house.” Her voice is small and tight but relieved as if she’s grateful for the conversation shift.

“I thought Dec liked it.”

“No, he only likes soup if it has ramen in it,” she admits as I turn to leave the kitchen. It isn’t until I reach the hallway that her words register.

“You made that soup for me because you thought I wasn’t feeling good?” I ask, turning back to look at her.

“It’s not a big deal,” she mumbles almost too quietly to be heard.

“I think it is.”

I swear I see the breath catch in her chest before she turns her back to me but I walk away anyway.

I’ll give her the space she needs for now but I’m holding onto that little thread of hope with all my might.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Natalie

I’ve never been more confused in my entire life. It’s as if an imbalance in my brain forces me to see every good intention as a fallacy. I’ve convinced myself for months that Jackson is someone I could never get along with. We’re too different.

He has this amazing career and success in his life, while I have struggled day in and day out for years. Even before I had guardianship of Dec, I struggled. I didn’t know what I wanted to do for a living, and then when I decided to turn my love of cooking into something I had to bust my ass to afford school. School that I never got to finish.

I’ve been taken advantage of and mistreated by every man that has ever come through my life. The very first is the father who never bothered to exist. How am I supposed to take 25 years of these preconceived notions and change my way of thinking for him?

I should because he’s kind to Dec. He’s given us an opportunity to get back on our feet and succeed at something. He argues with me toe to toe and I love that he doesn’t back down. He fights with me without making me feel less than.

So, why can’t I tell him the truth?

Hey, Jackson. I’m carrying your baby and have been lying about it for weeks because I didn’t trust you enough to tell you.Hey, Jackson, I’m an idiot and was convinced I hated your very existence and you hated mine. I’m too much of a chicken to tell you the truth about either of those things.

Yeah. I can imagine that the conversation will go great.

I’ve had so many opportunities to tell him but I can’t. It’s easier to pretend it isn’t happening at all. I’m still acting as if everything is normal and fine, but I’ve realized that I hate myself more than I’ve ever hated him.

I’m having a hard time remembering why I hated him in the first place when he’s redeemed himself so many times.

His ex-girlfriend, or whoever she was, showed up and bragged about him showing up at her doorstep the night we fought and my world crumbled. I was suddenly the other woman.

The fool who got knocked up.

When he dismissed her so easily and insisted that he wanted me, I couldn’t process it. All I could think about was my dirty secret.

Did he really care about me or was he lying to get out of a confrontation?

If I told him the truth was he prepared to go from being a bachelor to a parent of two?

The number two still makes me nauseous to think about. I have a baby inside me and Dec will have a niece or nephew. One that I’ll have to raise alongside him.

What if Dec hates me for bringing a baby into his life and disrupting it further?

How do parents of multiples cope with sharing their time and attention? What if I’m not capable?

I’m running to the bathroom, puking my guts out before I can stop myself. I don’t know if this is from my stress or the pregnancy sickness finally made its debut, but I puke until there is nothing left in my system.

I’m supposed to be getting ready for the appointment with the lawyer that Jackson set up but my stomach rolls again. I breathe through it and attempt to put on a brave face.

“Natalie?” Jackson’s voice sounds from the other side of the bathroom door.

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