Page 51 of First Surrender

Positive.

My hands are shaking uncontrollably holding the little plastic rectangle. Two blue lines.

It’s positive.

I’m hyperventilating in the drugstore restroom that I was almost trespassed from a few weeks ago.

It’s positive.

How did this happen?

Jackson pulled out. I remember it vividly because I scolded myself afterward for being disappointed that he did. I was horny enough that I didn’t care about the consequences. I’m not on birth control. I haven’t been for years.

It’s positive.

I’m pregnant.

How did this happen?

I know how it happened. I’ve already gone over this but my brain cannot fathom it. I’m pregnant. With a baby. Jackson’s baby. Oh my God.

My racing mind attempts to backtrack to when we had sex. When my cycle last started. I can’t think straight but I think I’m a week late. Which means I’m three weeks pregnant? Four?

Or, I don’t know. I don’t know how it works. I’ve never been pregnant before. What do I even do? I don’t have insurance. I don’t even have a doctor.

I suck all the air that I can into my lungs. I’m pregnant with a baby and there is nothing I can do about it right now except get up, go back to the house, and pretend like nothing is wrong.

Is it wrong?

It feels wrong to call a baby a mistake. I know how they’re made but it was clearly a mistake to get pregnant.

A baby.

I’m going to have a baby.

A few sobs break loose while I’m in my car but I don’t allow a single tear to escape. This is a result of my actions. I will not blame this on the baby.

I can’t believe I let this happen though. I swore after my mom got pregnant with Dec I would never put myself in a similar situation. It worked, I have practically sworn off men for years. If I did hook up with anyone, there was always a condom used. Until this time, with Jackson.

Oh my God. Jackson.

What is he going to say? Is he going to blame me?

Fuck him, he doesn’t get to blame me and I don’t need him. I’ll do this on my own. There is no way that I will let him make me feel guilty.

He doesn’t need to know.

No. I’ll tell him. I can’t keep it from him, that would be terrible.

I’ll tell him and let him make his own choice. Eventually.

I’m not telling him tonight or anytime soon. I need time to process this before I can handle the implosion when I tell him.

What if he kicks us out? He might back out on his deal to help us if he thinks I did this on purpose.

I’ll keep it to myself until after I get custody of Dec. It should only be a few months, I can hide it.

Hopefully.

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