Page 46 of First Surrender

“It’s temporary.” She cuts a glare at me before continuing her assessment of my space. “Everything is so… Neutral.” She spins in a slow circle taking it all in.

The living room opens directly into the kitchen. A large white marble island sits in the middle and the sink overlooks the backyard. The dining table is off to the side where it stays unused.

The walls are white, the furniture is gray, and the appliances are stainless steel. I understand her comment. I don’t have any pictures or color. I’m not home often enough to make it look lived in.

“Um. The fridge is empty so we’ll have to order groceries but, you’re free to use whatever. Dec knows how to work the remoteto the TV already.” I stand uneasily in front of the hallway, letting her look around before I show her to their rooms.

“The oven still has plastic on it,” she ponders out loud, looking at the film on the oven door.

“Yeah, I don’t cook much,” I admit.

She looks at me after I speak and there is undeniable curiosity in her eyes. “You have this beautiful kitchen and you don’t cook?”

“It was pretty standard with the build.” I shrug.

“What the hell is this?” She asks after opening the refrigerator doors.

“What?”

“It’s empty, empty. There isn’tanyfood in here, just Tupperware.”

“Yeah, I really don’t cook. Ever. I order a meal service, coffee, and protein bars.”

She looks at me with her jaw slack. “Oh my God,” she finally mumbles.

I feel my cheeks heat with foreign embarrassment and turn away from her quickly. “Come on, I’ll show you to your room.”

She follows behind me, Dec zooming past us once again. “Look, Natalie!” He goes into my computer room first so we veer left.

“Jackson has a dragon, too!” Dec shouts excitedly, bouncing on the futon.

“Dec! Feet on the floor you barnyard animal.” Her words trail off as she glances at the figure sitting high on a shelf. “You made all these?” Her eyes trail across the shelf full of miniature models and LEGO builds.

I’m more uneasy the longer she stares at my silly craftsmanship, feeling overwhelmingly put on the spot. Even as a grown man I can’t comfortably talk about myself, especiallywhen it’s about something that most people wouldn’t consider mainstream. And, incredibly nerdy.

I haven’t felt this kind of spotlight since I was a child being picked on by the older kids at school.

“It’s just a hobby. I built the computer myself, too.” I motion to the multiple screens set up off to the side, hoping for a distraction. Not that it helps the nerd persona. I am waiting for her first jab at me about it.

“Are you a gamer?” There isn’t any mockery to her tone but she could be setting up for the punchline.

“No, not really. I just like the challenge of piecing something together until it works.”

She stands still for several seconds, looking at each model on my shelf until she finally turns back to face me. There’s no joke, no insult, she only looks at me curiously. She doesn’t say anything and I don’t either. Dec takes that as his queue to start remarking about all the cool things that he would like to build.

“Why did he say that you have a dragon, too?” I ask her between his spiels of chit-chat.

“Oh, he was just being silly. Probably something we had at the apartment.” She exits the room quickly and I follow her across the hall.

“This will be your room, sorry about the cheeriness.” The walls are a pale yellow, the comforter is a yellow floral print, and the curtains correspond. It’s the only room in the house with color. “This was supposed to be my mom’s room before I accepted that she needed round-the-clock care. Yellow is supposed to be calming.”

“I’m sure she would have loved it,” she says quietly, observing the space.

Once again, her niceness is putting me on edge. I handle it much better when she’s smart and snippy with me. I don’t know what to do with her gentle side.

“Dec can sleep in here with you, or I can put the futon in here, but he’s more than welcome to stay in the computer room. You guys can use the computer if you need to,” I explain, trying to erase the tightness in my chest that I’ve felt since she stepped through my front door. This situation is awkward for both of us.

“My room is on the other side of this wall,” I motion to my left. Right next to where you’ll be sleeping, I add in my head.

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