Page 34 of First Surrender

“Yeah. She lives in an Assisted Living Home a couple of miles down the road. On her good days, they arrange to let her comework in the yard.” I shrug. I’m using my mother to avoid having a real discussion.

“Is she okay? Healthy otherwise?” She asks as if she isn’t sure if she’s overstepping.

“She’s healthy as a horse despite her brain. It started with little memory slips. Then it became more severe and she couldn’t take care of herself. The older I got, the more confused she was when I entered a room. She didn’t recognize the man in her home and would get scared. That sucked.” I sigh, heavily. “Still does.”

“She still sees you as her little boy?”

“She only knows me as Jacks. Sheriff Malec doesn’t exist to her.”

“I’m sorry, Jackson.” Her understanding is a nice change of pace but it’s unnerving that she’s being so nice. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“It’s okay. I got the normal version of her through most of my childhood. She wasn’t given the official diagnosis until I was a senior in high school. Thank you for being kind to her.”

More silence descends, neither of us knowing what to say. I can’t avoid it forever so I bite the bullet. “Why did you come here?”

“Why do you sound so offended that I did?”

“After what happened the other night I wasn’t sure I’d see you again. You ran out on me pretty quick.”

“So? We had sex. We agreed to one time. Did you expect me to cuddle?” The fire in her eyes is back and I’m kind of glad. I can handle her anger better than her niceness.

“No, but I wasn’t sure…”

“You weren’t sure about what?” She snaps.

I stand up, pacing the length of my garage. I can’t look at her when I say the next words. “I figured that you regretted it, but you did want it? Right?”

“What?”

“Christ, Natalie.” I squeeze my eyes shut.

“What, Jackson? Spit it out.” She huffs.

“It was consensual, right?”

“What?”

“Don’t make me ask, again. Please.” I stare at the ceiling, wishing I was anywhere else but having this conversation.

“Are you asking if I felt forced?” She seethes, the venom in her voice evident.

“Yeah.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” The volume of her voice bounces off the walls.

“I’ve been racking my brain, reliving it. I can’t sleep because all I think about is you saying ‘no.’ I didn’t stop when you said no.”

Her head jerks back a millimeter and I watch her eyes dancing as if she’s combing through her memory. Then she laughs. The least joyful laugh that I’ve ever heard.

“You idiot. You’ve been home sick from work because of your guilt? You thought that you took advantage of me?” She asks incredulously.

I’m glad she finds this so bizarre, it clears my consciousness slightly even though she’s still yelling at me.

“You were inmyoffice. I’m in a position of power. I’m a man and you said no. I should have heard you right away and I should have listened,” I explain consent to her like I would a teenager for my own benefit. It’s black and white but I feel very gray about the encounter we had.

She stands up and jabs her finger in my chest. There might as well be an electric current striking me down. “I am going to say this one time and then we are never speaking of it again, clear?” She asks, her eyes narrowed to slits.

“Uh. Clear.”

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