Page 93 of First Surrender

“Doing what?” She snaps.

“Working.”

“You were at work all night? Right. I’m sure.” She storms out of my room and it takes more than a second to recognize that accusation. She thinks I went somewhere else, to someone else.

I don’t have the energy to defend myself but I don’t deserve her forgiveness either. She’s going to hate me regardless when she realizes that I can’t be the man I’d promised for her.

I roll over and face plant into the mattress. Maybe I’ll suffocate in my sleep and it will solve all my problems for me.

A few hours later, I begrudgingly get up and shave the two days of stubble before exiting my room. I need more sleep but I owe an explanation to the woman I got so caught up in pursuing that I forgot I don’t deserve her at all.

I can’t give her what she needs.

Dec and Natalie are outside in the driveway, and I watch while she watches him ride his bike. He’s brave already, hardly needing to think about what he’s doing as he rides around.

Natalie looks on like a worried mother and it makes me smile before the corners of my mouth droop. If I had died in my sleep then at least I could take care of them properly.

She must sense me because she turns suddenly, narrowing in on me in the doorway. Other than throwing daggers at me, she turns back to Dec quickly and ignores me. I deserve that.

I make my way toward her anyway as if gravity itself could keep me away.

“I was at work last night. I was in the office, by myself, doing paperwork. I promise.” Her shoulders stay rigid, her head refusing to look at me. “I’m sorry for leaving the way I did but I’m more sorry that I led you on. I understand that you can’thave a future with me. Dec deserves better than that, you do too.”

“What are you talking about?” She finally responds, whipping around to look at me. She’s so pretty and it hurts because I don’t deserve her.

“I can’t expect you to be with me. I would never want you to take care of me if I got sick. It’s a burden and Dec needs all of your focus.”

“Jackson, you act like you’re already sick. You don’t have Alzheimer’s and you probably never will. Why are you convincing yourself that your life is over?”

“It’s easier than getting my hopes up I guess. I don’t deserve you guys, and never will.” I clear my throat, willing away the pain. “I’m going to visit my mom. I’ll be back in a few hours.” This time when I leave she doesn’t shout after me.

My poor, sweet mother who has had her life taken over by the disease that I’m terrified of didn’t recognize me when I walked into her room. She rarely does. This time I was greeted with the preferable confusion rather than fear.

She’s rocking in her chair with a baby doll, immediately resuming her appraisal of the flowers outside her window after I enter.

Mary walks in behind me, greeting me kindly. She’s her regular nurse and has taken great care of my mom while she’s been here.

“How is she today?”

“Oh, she’s doing great. It’s been a calm week.”

“Where did the doll come from?” The soft pink blanket-wrapped doll is nestled tightly to her chest.

“I assumed you brought it.” Mary shrugs. “It’s a helpful tool for Alzheimer’s patients though, she loves it.”

She exits the room briefly and returns holding a plastic bag filled with plastic Tupperware. “If you don’t mind taking these home with you.” She hands me the bag.

“What is this?”

“It’s the empty dishes Natalie brought. Well, they were full when she brought them.” She laughs to herself. “Your momma is going to gain weight in no time eating that good.”

“Natalie’s been visiting?”

“I’m sorry, I thought you knew. She said you guys were living together and I just assumed… I apologize,” she busies herself fixing my mom’s already perfect bedding.

“I didn’t know.”

Natalie has been visiting my mom. Why didn’t she tell me?

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