Page 55 of First Surrender

It’s after midnight but I stayed up to apologize to Jackson. I hate saying sorry, it’s my least favorite word in my vocabulary, but he deserves an apology. He took care of Dec when I couldn’t and it’s the only thing that matters to me more than my pride.

He drops his keys on the counter, the loud clatter echoing in the silent house. “I’m not in the mood, Natalie.” He turns to start down the hallway.

“Jackson. Please.”

His steps halt but he doesn’t turn back toward me yet. His chin drops to his chest and he takes a deep breath before he finally comes back to stand at the kitchen island, completely avoiding eye contact with me. I take it as my queue to keep going, anyway.

“Dec told me everything that happened. Thank you for taking care of him. I will never be able to express how much it means to me.” I take a deep breath to ward off the tears burning my eyes. These stupid hormones have turned me into a baby and I hate it. “I’m sorry for yelling at you and for doubting you. I am so, so sorry.” My voice breaks and he finally looks at me, right as the first tear rolls down my cheek.

He watches it travel the length of my jaw but then his eyes remain downcast. He doesn’t want to look at me. I’ve finally done it. I’ve managed to push him away. He doesn’t even want to argue with me anymore.

“I understand that you’re angry at me and I deserve it. I don’t deserve the nice things that you’ve done for me. I know I’m a fuck up. From here on out, you won’t have to deal with me. I’ll cook and take care of Dec. I won’t step on your toes or get on your nerves anymore. At least, not on purpose.” I slide off the bar stool on trembling knees, hoping he’ll say something. Anything.

He doesn’t.

The dam doesn’t release until I crawl into bed. I can’t tell him that I’m pregnant with his baby. He’ll resent me for the rest of my life. Resent what we made.

He’ll only ever hate the thing that is half of me.

I sob into my pillow until I lose consciousness.

The entire weekend passes and I don’t get out of bed.

Part of it is the sudden exhaustion that I’ve convinced myself is a pregnancy symptom. Part of it is a pathetic state of depression. I don’t want to go into Jackson’s kitchen or livingroom and say something that will anger him. I don’t want to do anything that will put Dec’s living situation in jeopardy.

There’s only a month and a half left of the school year. If we can make it to summer, I’ll start over then. I’ll find us somewhere new to live in his school district. I’ll get a new job. I’ll figure it out.

I don’t know, maybe I can make it as a private cook without a culinary certification. I’d only need a few people to take a chance on me.

Jackson did but look where that’s gotten me. Feeling sorry for myself while I watch reality TV reruns in a bed that isn’t mine. Too sick to my stomach with nerves to eat.

Maybe when I go to the free clinic for my ultrasound they’ll have information on programs that will help single mothers. I mean, that’s what I’ll be. There is no way that Jackson would take one look at my baby and love it.

“Alright, that’s it.” The voice that booms from the hallway makes me startle. “Are you sick? Do I need to call someone?”

I stare at him for more than a few seconds, trying to make sense of what he’s asking me. His arms are crossed as he stares back at me with narrowed eyes.

“What?”

“You’ve been in bed for three days. I’ve never seen you stay still for more than thirty minutes.”

That can’t be true. “It’s only been two days,” I correct him.

“No, it’s Monday.”

“What?!” I screech, launching out of the bed. How did I lose track of time?

“School. Oh My God! Dec!” I scream into the expanse of the universe, frantically searching for pants.

“I made sure he got on the bus this morning.”

“What?”

“Stop saying what.”

“Why didn’t either of you wake me up?” I pause what I’m doing, a pair of shorts dangling from my fingers.

“Because we voted and neither of us wanted to wake the sleeping bear. I also wasn’t sure if you were sick and wanted Dec to stay clear.”

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