Page 57 of Red Velvet

Sybil's response is much longer than mine, but I can barely hear her as she chats away, my focus sucked away from her by what shows up on my screen.

It's an e-mail from Jim. To my work e-mail.Why the hell would he write to me? And why to this address?

The message has no subject, but there are attachments. My pulse races as I open the e-mail, curious and scared to find out what's inside.

A part of me was naive enough to think it could be an apology for last night. But it's not. Not at all.

It's a threat.

Did he do this? Are you proud of this?

What sane person would let anyone do this to them?

You obviously need help, Lila. And since I can't reason with you, I'll do it the hard way.

Get out of it. Stop seeing that maniac. I can help you. We can get through this together.

End it, or I’ll send these pictures to everyone in your family—and call the police on the fucking monster who did this to you.

My heart almost stops as my eyes follow the hateful lines again and again, a terrible realization sinking in as I dare to click on one of the attachments. A picture pops up, one I took of myself a day after Kade flogged me so hard it left me bloody and bruised for days. I close it as quickly as possible, jerking my gaze over my shoulder to see if anyone’s spying on me. However, I should’ve been paying attention to what was right in front of me.

"Are you okay?" Sybil asks from across the desk. "Jesus, girl, you look pale as a ghost. What happened?"

She's about to jump up from her chair, but I stop her by raising my hand in a reassuring manner.

"No, no, I'm fine, I just…," I murmur, trying to think on my feet for once. "I just thought I'd forgotten about something, but it's all right."

"You sure?" she probes. "If it's about those sellers we talked about last week, I—"

"No, it's fine, really. I'm just a little tired today. I think I should get myself a coffee or something."

I close the e-mail and turn on the password-protected screensaver before hurrying toward the kitchen just to get out of Sybil's view. I can't have her eyes on me now. It’s bad enough that I still worry about her seeing my collar peek through out of my turtleneck, but on top of that I feel like I'm about to burst, my heart hammering against its cage with such fury that I'm getting dizzy. Tears threaten to betray my attempt at discretion, so instead of fleeing to the kitchen, I turn left and head for the bathroom, the only damn place here where I can enjoy a moment of privacy to process this shock.

Salty streaks are already covering my cheeks by the time I burst through the door, but luckily I lock myself in one of the stalls without witnesses.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

What the hell am I supposed to do now? How could Jim do this? How did he even get my phone? Did he steal it from me? When? How?

I feel so utterly lost and helpless, desperately trying to suppress the urge to cry out loud, to howl in agony as I cope with the fact that I'm alone in this. I don't know how to reach Kade. I don't know if I should even try to reach him. What if that's enough to set Jim off and make him distribute those intimate images among all my relatives?

I’m so ghastly humiliated and betrayed.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

Forsaken misery takes a hold of me, covering me in its cruel wrath as I'm shaken with negative emotions in all colors: seclusion, sorrow, desperation, vicious fury and a misplaced thirst for revenge.

The world starts spinning around me while I sit there, holding my head with both hands as if I’m afraid I could lose it. Tears stream down my face, accompanied by muffled wailing as I try to cope with this situation.

Different scenarios act out inside my head, running through my thoughts like snippets of sad movies, portraying a lonely woman who has lost it all, her sanity, her man, her new found life.

Am I overreacting? Maybe, but if that’s the case, I’m no state to pull myself together. Every time I try to hold on to one ounce of rationality that is still with me, I’m torn away by desperate panic. There’s no way out for me. I can’t think straight. All I see is loss, anguish and desolation.

Because how could I ever explain this to Kade? If I break up with him, I’d have to come up with a terrible lie, pushing myself away from him while my own heart breaks into pieces. And if I don’t break up with him, he will get exposed and have his reputation ruined—and I would be the one responsible for it. It’s so dishonorable, so wrong and shameful.

He could never forgive me.

I want to free myself from all these horrible thoughts running through my head, but they’re too loud, too forceful to be ignored.

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