Page 90 of Now or Never

“I put some milk in it. And brown sugar. And I need coffee. And Mr. Big always goes out to poop when I eat my oatmeal.”

“Just shoot me,” Lula said.

“You find the brown sugar, and I’ll take the dog,” I said to Lula.

There was a canister on the counter that saidDOG BISCUITS. I took a handful of dog biscuits and bribed Mr. Big to go outside. I stood on the front porch and watched while Mr. Big walked around the front yard in circles. Nothing was happening poop-wise. I walked into the yard and pointed my finger at Mr. Big and very sternly told him to poop. “Poop!” Mr. Big continued to walk in circles and finally hunched and pooped. I gave him the last dog biscuit and told him he was a good boy, and he ran into the house.

Jug was back in the bedroom, hopefully putting pants on, when I returned to the kitchen.

“He’s got one of those fancy coffee makers that I couldn’t figure out, so we have to stop at Starbucks,” Lula said. “This guy doesn’t know how to do anything. Hard to tell if it’s because he’s always been waited on or if he’s not so smart anymore.”

Jug joined us, fully dressed. “Did he poop?” he asked me.

“Yes,” I said. “Has he had breakfast?”

“Yes. He eats first and then I eat. Otherwise, he sits and barks at me while I eat.” Jug took a dog leash from the counter and hooked it to Mr. Big’s collar. “We’re ready to go get rescheduled.”

“That’s great,” I said, “but Mr. Big has to stay home.”

“He can’t stay home,” Jug said. “There’s no one here, and he gets anxiety if he’s left alone.”

“We won’t be gone long. We’ll put the television on for him.”

“He’s not a big television watcher,” Bruno said. “He’s starting to get cataracts.”

“Okay, I’ll leave Lula here with him and you can come with me.”

“No way,” Lula said. “I’m not a dog person.”

“I thought you wanted a dog and you were going to name her Chardonnay,” I said.

“That’s like Herbert wanting to be a spy,” Lula said. “It’s a fantasy. It don’t really happen.”

“I have a fantasy that I’m headmaster at a fancy private school for girls, and I have to discipline them,” Jug said.

“Yeah, you and every other man on the planet,” Lula said. “When I was a ho I charged extra for that one.”

“That’s it!” I said. “Get in the car. Everyone get in the car. Get the dog in the car.”

I drove to Starbucks and sent Lula in for coffee. She returned with coffee for everyone and a cookie for Mr. Big.

“This won’t take long, will it?” Jug asked. “Lou is coming at ten with some papers to get signed, and I have a massage scheduled for ten thirty.”

“Not a problem,” I said. “We’ll check you in with the desk sergeant and call Connie.”

I parked in the public lot across the street from the municipal building, and we all walked to the entrance.

“They aren’t going to let Mr. Big into the building,” I said. “He’s going to have to stay here with Lula.”

Jug tried to hand Lula the leash, and Mr. Big growled and snapped at Lula.

“What the hell,” Lula said. “I got a cookie for this excuse for a dog.”

I took the leash from Jug, and Big snapped at me.

“No!” I said to Big. “Not acceptable behavior.” I held the leashat arm’s length, so he couldn’t reach me. “Go!” I said to Lula. “You know the drill. The court is in session. Check him in and make sure he gets taken straight to the court. Don’t let them put him in a holding cell. I’ll call Connie.”

Lula and Jug disappeared into the building, and I walked Mr. Big to a patch of grass. I called Connie and told her that Lula was walking Jug through the system and someone was going to have to come down to write the bail bond.

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