Page 68 of Now or Never

I took a seat, and put baby Sue on my lap and a kid on either side of me. I tapped into Disney+ on my phone and pulled upPJ Masks. This made everyone happy. When Zach was done at the admissions desk, I handed baby Sue, Ian, Jonathan, and my phone over to Lula.

“I need to talk to Zach,” I said to Lula. “Don’t let anyone wander away.”

“I’m on it,” Lula said.

“You need to reschedule your court date,” I said to Zach. “That means I need to take you to the municipal building.”

“I guess that would be okay. They’re going to keep Emmy here for a couple hours.” He looked at his watch. “I’m late getting lunch for everybody. And then after lunch I’m supposed to put baby Sue and Jonathan down for a nap. When they wake up from the nap, I can get Emmy and then we can go to the municipal building.”

That would have been great, except it was Saturday and Zach would be held over until Monday and there would be no one to watch the kids.

“You’re charged with armed robbery,” I said. “I’m curious. What was that about?”

“My daughter’s next-door neighbor is a jerk. That’s all I have to say.”

“You need to say more. What did you steal?”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“A little embarrassing or a lot embarrassing?”

“Oh hell,” he said. “It was a picture. It was Ed and Marie’s twenty-fifth wedding anniversary and they had a big renewing-vows party at some fancy garden place in Pennsylvania.”

“Ed is the jerk next door?”

“Yeah. They had a photographer, and he took a picture of them cutting the cake. It was a real nice picture, but in the background you can see me taking a leak on a bush.”

I had to clap a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

“I had a couple beers, and I really had to go, and I didn’t think anybody could see,” Zach said. “They were all watching the cake-cutting ceremony. It wasn’t like I was doing it in public on the sidewalk or something.”

I tried to look sympathetic.

“Nobody noticed it when they were looking at pictures to buy.If you weren’t looking close, you would think I was standing there admiring the scenery. Anyway, they bought this picture and had it framed because it was their favorite. I go over and I see the picture on their end table in the living room, and it’s me taking a whiz. So, I offered to buy the picture. I figured it was the right thing to do. I should pay for the picture, right? I mean, I can’t have a picture of me peeing in their living room. They take a close look at the picture, and they’re horrified. Like no one ever peed on a bush before. Marie is hysterical because I ruined her anniversary. Ed is ready to punch me in the nose.”

“You were friends with them before this picture incident?”

“Yeah. Best buddies. Go figure.”

“What happened next?”

“Ed wouldn’t give me the picture. Ed said they were going to leave it there for everyone to see. They were going to have a big party and show everyone the picture.”

“So, you went home and got a gun and came back for the picture.”

“I was steamed. Who acts like that? I’d be the laughingstock of the neighborhood. Once you knew where to look you could see… you know.”

“Everything?”

“Not everything, but enough. I got a pretty good fire hose. Anyway, I slapped a twenty on the table, took the picture, and left. Next thing the police are at my door. It’s those damn Ring doorbells. They got a video of me with a gun in one hand and the picture in the other.”

“Would you have used the gun?”

“Damn right.” He slumped a little and gave up a sigh. “No. Who am I kidding? I’m a total pussy. We had a seven-foot snake in the laundry room, and I couldn’t shoot it. My daughter shot it.”

“Do you still have the picture?”

“Yeah. It’s under my bed. I told the police that I burned it and threw the frame away.”

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