Page 101 of Now or Never

“He’s a clever one,” Grandma said. “And he knows all about computers. He’s coaching me on improving my blog and videos.”

“You make videos?” I asked Grandma.

“I just started. I got the idea from Robin Hoodie. Everybody’s doing it.”

“What kind of videos are you making?” I asked Grandma.

“Originally, I was thinking of breakdancing like Robin Hoodie, but once I got down on the floor, I had a hard time getting back up. Then Herbert and I got this idea to do a blog on funeral parlor viewings.”

“Omigod.”

“Yeah, that’s what I said too,” Grandma said. “It’s a winner idea. If it takes off, I could make a million dollars. Herbert and I would do it together. And it would all be shot on-site so we wouldn’t need a studio setup.”

“It’s a good idea because we both have extensive knowledge of funeral operations,” Herbert said. “There’s almost nothing we don’t know about viewing dead people. I even went down to the embalming room once. I was looking for the men’s room and I ended up in the embalming room. There was a fat man on the table and stuff was draining out of him. I guess we aren’t supposed to sayfatanymore. Some people find it offensive. Ipersonally think it’s okay. I mean, it’s a description, right? Saying someone is big is different from saying someone is fat. How are you supposed to describe someone fat if you can’t sayfat?”

“It could be someone with extra stuff under their flesh,” Grandma said, “but that’s a lot of words. I’ve been down to the embalming room, but I never saw anyone on the table. That must have been something.”

“He was undressed,” Herbert said. “If I was an undertaker, I would embalm people with their clothes on.”

“See, now, that’s something people would want to know,” Grandma said.

My mother stepped out of the kitchen. “We’re having pot roast and there’s homemade cookies for dessert. Who’s staying for dinner?”

“I am,” I said.

“Am I invited?” Herbert asked. “I love pot roast. My mom never makes it because my dad had polyps on his last colonoscopy, and they told him to lay off the beef. They cut all the polyps off and my dad is fine, so I don’t know what the deal is with the beef. You eat beef, and you grow new polyps, and they cut them off.”

“It’s the green vegan people who start bad beef rumors like that,” Grandma said. “If it was up to them, there’d be no more cows.”

“I like cows,” Herbert said. “I like the light brown ones the best. They have pretty faces. I wouldn’t get too close to one though. I got close to a cow once at a petting zoo and it stepped on my foot.”

“Of course you can stay for dinner,” my mom said. “There’s always extra helpings with a pot roast.”

Oh boy. Herbert, Grandma, and my dad together at the dinner table. If it wasn’t for a possible pregnancy I’d start drinking now.

Grandma and Herbert went back to making plans for their viewing project and I went into the kitchen to help my mom.

“There’s something wrong with this Herbert person,” my mom whispered to me. “I can’t put my finger on it. He’s nice enough, but odd.”

“I agree,” I said, “but people say that about Grandma too.”

“Not the same,” my mom said. “Not everyone thinks she’s nice.”

I peeled potatoes and set the table, pushing Grandma and Herbert down to one end. My mom was in her groove in the kitchen and I was in the way, so I went into the living room to watch TV with my dad.

“What’s going on in the dining room?” he asked. “I hear people mumbling.”

“It’s Grandma and Herbert.”

“Who’s Herbert?”

“That’s a good question,” I said. “I went to school with him, and Grandma knows him from the funeral home. She ran into him at Giovichinni’s today, and he gave her a ride home, and here he is. Mom invited him to stay for dinner.”

“Oh jeez.”

“What are you watching?”

“I don’t know. I just woke up. It looks like news.”

---