Page 8 of Now or Never

“If you don’t want to go to court, why don’t you stop whipping it out in public?” Lula said.

“I’d rather stop breathing,” Bottles said. “I’d rather gouge out my eyeballs. I’d rather become a vegan.”

“So, you’d rather be a dead, blind vegan than give up being a pervert,” Lula said.

“I’m not a pervert,” Bottles said. “It’s that when God gives you something special you got an obligation to make the most of it. I’m not stupid but I’m not real smart either. I don’t have a lot of education. I don’t have good hair. I got a big nose and a big belly. What it all adds up to is that I’m not exactly a heartthrob. I’m not even good at conversation. No one wants to talk about unclogging a toilet.”

“I’m guessing this is going somewhere,” Lula said.

“What I’ve got is a really pretty penis,” Bottles said. “And it’s a crime against nature not to show it to people.”

“Honey, every man thinks his penis is pretty,” Lula said. “Even the ones who want it to be bigger still think what they got is pretty. That don’t mean everyone can go around waving it like a flag on the Fourth of July.”

“Yeah, but mine is exceptional,” Bottles said. “I have the perfect penis. Do you want to see it?”

“No!” I said.

“I guess I could take a look,” Lula said. “Being that I used to be a professional ho and I’ve seen my share, I could give an unbiased opinion.”

Bottles unzipped and took it out. “There,” he said. “What do you think?”

“I gotta admit, that’s a damn nice penis,” Lula said. “It’s a real nice pink color and the skin looks silky smooth. I’m guessing it doesn’t get a lot of abuse.”

“I take good care of it,” Bottles said. “You should see it when it’s in all its glory, if you know what I mean. It’s stunning.”

“We’ll take your word for it,” I said. “You could put it away now.”

“Some people have beautiful paintings that they want people to see. Some people drive flashy cars. Some people live in fabulous mansions. I have a penis,” Bottles said. “I can only keep it hidden for so long and then I have to take it out so people can appreciate it. And I mean, let’s face it, it’s pretty much all I’ve got.”

“I see where you’re coming from,” Lula said, “but you’re a nut.”

“Speaking of nuts,” Bottles said, “mine are worth a look.”

“Not today,” I said.

Bottles looked disappointed. “Some other time?”

“Yeah,” I said. “We need to take you into town to reschedule your court date.”

“I’m due on a construction site,” he said.

“If you can make bail, we might be able to fast-track you.”

“No problem. I’m running a tab with Vinnie.”

“I gotta ask you about the Christmas wreath on your front door,” Lula said. “You must be one of them Christmas-all-year-long people.”

Bottles looked surprised. “I have a wreath on my front door?”

“Yeah,” Lula said. “It’s still green so it must be plastic, and it has a big red bow on it.”

“I never use the front door,” Bottles said. “I didn’t know there was a wreath on it. It must have been there when I bought the house two years ago.”

CHAPTER THREE

I dropped Lula off at the office, walked Bottles through the legal system, and brought him back to his house. I stopped at Giovichinni’s Deli, got a turkey club on a brioche roll, and took it to the office to eat.

“Looks like everything worked out with Bottles,” Lula said. “We saw that Vinnie bailed him out. So, Bottles must not have exposed himself to the judge.”

---