Page 76 of Now or Never

We all went into the kitchen and at Grandma’s instruction, I took the temperature of the meatloaf.

“It’s almost there,” Grandma said, looking at the digital thermometer I was holding. “It’s hard to read the thermometer with your hand shaking like that.”

“It goes with my eye twitch,” I said. “It’s a phenomenon that happens when your cojones shrink to the size of raisins.”

“I thought women didn’t have cojones,” Herbert said.

“A common misconception,” I said. “Our cojones are out of sight, attached to our ovaries.”

“I didn’t know that,” Herbert said. “That makes sense. I haveextremely large cojones. My mother always said that my cojones were too big for my britches.”

“I wish I didn’t hear that,” Grandma said.

By the time the meatloaf got to the table Grandma and Herbert were on the second bottle of wine.

“I wish I’d seen the vampire,” Grandma said. “I’ve never seen one up close. I’ve only seen vampires in movies. He must have been real scary looking.”

“Yeah,” Herbert said, “but not as scary looking as the knife.”

“I’m surprised you could get the door closed and locked,” I said to Herbert.

Herbert gave his meatloaf another glob of mayo. “He backed up when I started screaming. He didn’t try to get in.”

That was because he’d expected me to open the door, I thought. He wanted to kill me. He wasn’t interested in Herbert.

I broke out a bag of cookies for dessert, and we moved into the living room to watch a movie. Grandma had tea with her cookies and Herbert finished off the wine.

“That was excellent wine,” Herbert said. “I’ll have to get myself some next time I’m shopping. It’s happiness in a glass. And it hasn’t tarnished my mental accluety. I’m still sharp as a tack. Ask me an answer. Anything. I’ll know the question. I would go onJeopardy!, but I haven’t the time because of my entrenuering. These cookies, on the other hand, are making me dizzy.”

He stretched out on the floor in front of the television and instantly fell asleep.

“The little tyke’s had a big night,” Grandma said. “Between the wine and the vampire, he got all tuckered out.”

My parents showed up halfway through the movie and took Grandma home. I was left with Herbert.

“Hey!” I said to Herbert. “Wake up.”

No response. I nudged him with my foot to make sure he was alive.

“Stupid cookies,” he said.

I threw a blanket over him, watched the end of the movie, and went to bed, locking my bedroom door.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Music blasted out of my phone into my dark bedroom. I grabbed the phone and tapped it on.

It was Ranger. “I’m coming in.”

I looked at the time. Four thirty. Good God. This man never slept. The lock on my bedroom door clicked open and Ranger walked in.

“You have a man sleeping on the floor in your living room,” Ranger said.

“That’s Herbert. He had too much to drink.”

“Do you want me to have him removed?”

“No. He lives with his mother. She’ll freak out if you bring him home now. If you haven’t noticed, it’s four thirty. Normal people are asleep at four thirty. I’d like to be asleep at four thirty.”

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