Page 74 of Now or Never

“Mrs. Mazur,” Herbert said. “Wow! What a surprise. This is my lucky day. My two favorite people in one spot. This is even better than when we’re all at the funeral home because we’re all close and personal here. Of course, I have a lot of lucky days because I have an excellent guardian angel. One of the best in the business. I hope I’m not interrupting something here. I try to be sensitive about interrupting things.”

“It’s not an interruption,” Grandma said. “We were just making meatloaf.”

“I love meatloaf,” Herbert said. “It’s one of my favorite things. My mother makes meatloaf every Wednesday. Sometimes on Thursday, but usually on Wednesday. Some people put ketchup on meatloaf, but I like to put mayonnaise on it.”

“You’re welcome to stay, if you want,” Grandma said. “We made extra broccoli and potatoes.”

“Sure,” Herbert said. “That would be awesome.”

“Was there a reason for this visit?” I asked Herbert.

“I wanted to make sure you knew how to work your new television. They can be tricky sometimes. And I brought a list of good shows just in case you wanted to watch something. I have the list in categories depending on your mood. And I brought a bottle of wine. It was my mother’s idea.”

He handed me the wine and he stepped inside and looked into the kitchen. “Is that a fruit basket? Is that from Jug? Is he back in town already?”

“I think one of his minions dropped it off.”

“Too bad. It was a shame that he was snatched away from you, but at least you got a fruit basket.”

I put the wine in the fridge, and I set an extra place at the table for Herbert.

“This has turned into a real party,” Grandma said to me. “We should set out some snacks.”

I didn’t know how to roast a chicken or make a meatloaf, but I knew about snacks. I grabbed a box of crackers from the cupboard and pulled a couple different kinds of cheese out of the fridge. I was arranging all this on a plate when the doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it,” Herbert said. “It might be more fruit.”

I heard him unlock the door and open it, and then I heard him screaming. “Eeeeeeee! Eaaaaaa!” The door slammed shut, locks clicked, and Herbert ran into the kitchen, arms waving in the air, eyes bugged out of his head, face contorted. “Eeeeeee!”

“What the Sam Hill?” Grandma said.

Herbert stopped screaming. His face went from red to white and he fainted, spread-eagle, flat on his back on the floor. Grandma soaked a kitchen towel and put it on his forehead.

He opened his eyes and took a couple beats to focus. “I think I might have wet myself.”

“Not that I could see,” Grandma said.

I went to the door and looked out the peephole and only saw an empty hall. I unlocked the door and stepped out. Definitely empty. I closed the door, relocked it, and went to Herbert.

“There’s nothing out there,” I said.

“He was there. The killer vampire,” Herbert said. “They were talking about him on the local news this morning. He killed a woman in a laundromat, and he sucked all her blood out and then he ran away. People saw him but they couldn’t stop him, and now the police can’t find him.”

“I heard about him too,” Grandma said. “Everybody was talking about him when I was at the market yesterday.”

“He had crazy eyes,” Herbert said, “and his mouth was open, and I could see his fangs. And he was holding a big knife, and his arm was raised like he was going to stab me. I started screaming and his face changed, and he got snarly. His eyes were red with flames in them.”

“Flames!” Grandma said. “That’s serious.”

“I might have imagined it,” Herbert said. “I have an advanced imagination.”

“What on earth was he doing here?” Grandma asked.

“Maybe he was lost,” I said, trying hard not to show panic. “Maybe he was going door-to-door, looking for an empty apartment where he could hang out.”

“I hate to think that he’s hanging out in your building,” Grandma said.

“Probably Herbert scared him off,” I said. “I didn’t see him in the hall.”

---