Page 66 of On Your Knees

Or worse—what if he doesn’t act like nothing’s changed? What if everything’s different now?

I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself, but the tension lingers just beneath the surface. I can’t avoid him forever. And I certainly can’t avoid church. Not with Nate looking up at me like that, so eager to go.

“Mommy, can we sit in the front today?” Nate asks, tugging at the hem of my dress.

I blink, startled back to reality. “Uh, sure, sweetie,” I say, but my voice wavers. The front? Where Benedict will see us for sure?

I shake my head, forcing myself to focus on the present. It’s just church. It’s just Benedict. I repeat the words like a mantra, but they don’t help. Deep down, I know things will never be just anything with Benedict again. Everything is different now.

“Alright, buddy, grab your shoes. We’ve got to go,” I say, trying to sound more upbeat than I feel. Nate runs off to get his shoes, and I take a moment to lean against the counter, closing my eyes as I try to steel myself for the morning ahead.

The truth is, I don’t know what’s going to happen when I see him again. I don’t know if we can keep pretending that everything is the same when clearly, it’s not. I’m not sure I want to pretend anymore.

But what choice do I have?

The church is packed when we arrive, a sea of people moving like a current through the grand, echoing foyer. The scent of incense mingles with the crisp morning air, and the chatter of congregants fills the space with a low hum. At the front entrance, Sandy stands out like a beacon of warmth and cheer. She’s stationed there with a stack of programs, handing them out with a practiced flourish that suggests it’s her life's calling.

When she spots us, her face lights up with a smile so wide it could light up the darkest room. “Well, hello there!” she exclaims, her voice carrying over the din of the crowd. Her attention is immediately drawn to Nate, who is practically bouncing with excitement beside me.

Nate’s eyes twinkle as he looks up at Sandy. “Hi!” he chirps, holding out his hand eagerly. Sandy chuckles softly and hands him a program, her eyes crinkling at the corners.

“Such a big man escorting your mother to church,” Sandy says, her tone both admiring and playful.

Nate puffs out his chest a little, clearly proud of himself. “She said we can play in the park for a bit before I go back to my daddy’s house.”

Sandy raises her eyebrows in mock surprise. “Is that so?” she asks, her gaze moving between Nate and me with genuine interest.

Nate nods enthusiastically. “Yep.”

I manage a smile, but it feels strained as I approach Sandy. “Hi, Sandy,” I say, my voice slightly unsteady despite my efforts to sound casual. The nerves I’ve been trying to keep at bay begin to bubble up, threatening to surface.

Sandy’s smile softens as she looks at me, sensing the underlying tension. “Morning, Eva,” she says warmly. “Everything okay?”

I nod, though it feels like a weak gesture. “Yeah, just... a bit of a busy morning.”

Sandy gives me a reassuring look. “Well, you’re in the right place to get a little peace and perspective,” she says kindly. Her words are meant to comfort, and I appreciate the sentiment even as my mind races with the unspoken uncertainties of the day.

Nate tugs at my hand, drawing my attention back to him. He’s already eyeing the program with fascination, clearly ready for the next part of our Sunday routine. I take a deep breath, trying to calm the anxious flutter in my chest. As we move forward into the church, I brace myself for what’s to come, knowing that today’s service might be more significant than just a routine visit.

Chapter 33

Benedict

I stand in the shadows of the church, observing as Nate and Eva settle into a pew near the front row. The familiar rhythm of the congregation’s murmur and the soft rustle of programs create a backdrop to the unsettling turmoil in my chest. I can’t shake the feeling of frustration that our conversation the other night was abruptly cut short. I was on the verge of revealing something crucial, something that’s been weighing heavily on me.

I wanted to tell her the truth. I wanted to tell her that I’m not just a priest, but a federal agent working undercover on a high-stakes case against the Delgados. I’d also hoped to broach the subject of her ex-husband, whose entanglements with this criminal network complicate matters even further. But I need to navigate that revelation delicately, given the emotional stakes.

As I watch Eva’s calm demeanor, I can’t help but wonder about the myriad reactions she might have when she learns the fullextent of my deception. Will she be relieved to know I’ve been working to protect her and her son? Or will she feel a deep sense of betrayal, discovering that the man she’s trusted is not who he seems?

The uncertainty gnaws at me. Will she see me as an ally, or will my revelation only drive a wedge between us? I’m tormented by the thought of losing her trust and, more importantly, the connection that’s grown between us. I know that this truth could shatter everything we’ve built, but it’s also the only way to bring us closer to the resolution we both need.

I take a deep breath, trying to steady my racing thoughts. I move toward the dais, a haste in my steps to get this service started and over.

Before I even begin the sermon, the air shifts—heavy, thick with tension. The Delgados walk in like they own the place, Lazarus leading the charge with his cold, calculating eyes scanning the room. My pulse spikes, and I can feel the weight of their presence settling like a dark cloud over the congregation.

My gaze darts toward Eva. She’s seated near the front, oblivious at first, until she notices the intensity of my stare. I give her a subtle nod in the direction of the men near the back. Her eyes widen as they follow my cue, locking onto the dangerous group. The panic that flickers across her face twists my gut, and I have to stop myself from rushing over to her.

I slip my phone out and shoot off a quick text.

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