Page 80 of Make Room for Love

“Do you seriously need me to say that?”

“You don’tneedto say anything. You already have too many things you supposedly need to do.” The self-possessed way Grace spoke was jarring. She sounded like Alexa, or their mother, or Isabel herself. Not like the little sister Isabel thought she knew. They were both getting older. “The point is, we used to actually be able to talk. And after Alexa died, you became the perfect oldest daughter who had a stiff upper lip all the time, and you treated me like a baby. You always did, a little, but it got much worse.”

Isabel grimaced. There was no arguing with any of this. Grace continued, “I know you don’t want to hear it, but sometimes it does seem like you’re trying to replace her. I don’t know how else to say it.”

“I’m not. I know I can’t replace her. Not to our parents or to anyone else.” Isabel was stopped short by a lump in her throat.This was hitting her harder than she’d expected. “I know I’m not her, and I know I’m not bringing her back. I’m trying to keep living without her even though it hurts, just like you are.”

Grace eyed her with a faint smile. “What?” Isabel said.

“I’m just relieved, honestly. This is the most I’ve heard you talk about your feelings about Alexa in a long time.”

“I— All right. Fine. I could have done a better job.”

Grace rolled her eyes. “I’m not asking you to do a good job or be a goodanything. I’m just saying, you can’t refuse to talk to me and then get mad when I don’t want to talk, either. Cat used to cry with me on the phone for, like, an hour at a time, when James was still in the hospital. Did you know that?”

“No.” Isabel was bewildered. Her sister was moving through grief in her own way, still in pain but getting stronger all the time, growing up. In comparison, Isabel was a mess.

She wished Alexa were here. But Grace actuallywashere for her, and in trying to be there for Grace, Isabel had completely lost sight of that.

She sighed. “Sorry. Again. I know that’s not enough. You’ve been holding this against me for the last two years.”

“Yeah.” Grace pursed her lips. “Honestly, I could also have been a better sister to you. I didn’t talk to you enough, either. I thought you didn’t need me. I know you think you’re not good enough compared to Alexa. But you know that’s how I felt about both of you. After Alexa died, I didn’t understand how you just kept going.”

“Well, I didn’t.” Isabel had thought she could, but everything she’d been running from was catching up to her now. “I thought you were the one who kept going without me. When you told me you were engaged…”

She was reaching something she’d been almost too afraid to tell Mira last night. But Mira had held her hand, refusing to give up on her. Isabel wasn’t going to give up now, either. “When Isaid all that, I think I was also afraid of losing you. Reina had just broken up with me. You’re the only sister I have left, and you were going to get married and start your new life with someone else. I know that’s ridiculous.” She shook her head. The irony that she’d reacted by pushing Grace away wasn’t lost on her. “I’m an idiot.”

“Yeah, you are.” Grace leaned back in the armchair. Isabel’s boneheadedness seemed to amuse her. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

Isabel smiled. Yet another weight was easing from her chest. It would take them a long time to untangle everything, but at least they were finally starting. “I also fucked up with Mira. Basically for the same reasons, I guess.”

“What happened?”

Never in a million years did Isabel expect to talk to Grace about her relationship problems. But Grace clearly knew some things she didn’t know. “She had just left her shitty ex-boyfriend, and she told me she didn’t want commitment. I got into this thinking I was going to be the perfect girlfriend for her, provide for her, take care of her, everything. Win her over. To make up for how my older sister is dead, and my ex dumped me for being a mess, and my little sister is pissed off at me and doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.” At that, Grace scoffed. “I was hiding all this from her and getting upset when she was trying to help, and then it all blew up. And she told me that if I didn’t trust her with my real problems, then she couldn’t trust me, either. I get it.”

Grace winced. “Yeah. So…”

“I asked her if she was breaking up with me and she said no. But I’m worried it’s just a matter of time.”

“Why?”

“Because I keep fucking up and losing people.” Isabel’s voice cracked. “I’d do anything to have her stay in my life. I’m trying to change. I just don’t know if it’ll be enough.” Last night, she’d toldMira she loved her. The memory was excruciating. Mira hadn’t said anything at all.

Grace stared at her for a few torturous seconds. “You know Mira’s an adult, right?”

“I know.”

“Like I said, she seems smart. Either she’ll break up with you at some point, or she won’t.”

That wasn’t comforting. The truth lay before her: There was so much suffering in the world, and Isabel couldn’t single-handedly protect herself or anyone else from pain. “I know. I know I have to take her at her word and see. But she stayed with her shitty ex for too long. He already hurt her so much by the time she left.”

“Well, either you respect her as an adult making choices, or you don’t.” Grace sighed. “If I sound snippy about this, it’s because I’ve been dealing with my older sister telling me I don’t know what’s best for me, an adult woman, so cut me some slack.”

“So I’m Kevin?”

“You’re not as good as he is.” Isabel snorted. Grace continued, “Can I give you some unsolicited advice?”

It was only fair. “Go ahead.”

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