Page 95 of Always on My Mind

It was the first time she had said the words out loud. Somehow, that made it more real. It hit her as strong as a punch to the gut. Tessa was gone. This was going to be her new reality.

“Oh, Jamie, I’m so sorry,” Zahra said.

She pressed the buttons on the treadmill until she slowed to a stop, and Jamie did the same. Her legs had gone numb.

“Are you alright?” Zahra asked.

Jamie shook her head. “I feel awful. It was all my fault. I was too much of a coward to love her openly, the way she deserves, and I lost her.”

“Are you sure it’s really over? Maybe you two could talk, and see if there’s something you can do to salvage the relationship. You seemed so good together.”

“Honestly, I’d been wondering if we had jumped the gun on getting back together in the first place. We have this. . . deep connection you see. That goes back further than most. And Ithought that would be enough to keep us together, but until I’m ready to come out, there’s no hope.”

“What’s keeping you from coming out then?”

“I have a rather. . . complicated situation with my father, and if I came out, he would lose his mind. He doesn’t approve of being gay. And it would destroy our family.”

Zahra took Jamie’s hand and led her off the treadmill to one of the benches a few feet away. They sat down together. Zahra did not release Jamie’s hand though.

“Jamie, you have another family, you know,” Zahra said. “We would all be here for you if you wanted to come out and get away from your father. And a lot of the team gets it. Eliana and Neriah keep everything low-key. Though I suppose they’re lucky that her parents aren’t on social media or anything.”

“My dad watches my every move,” Jamie explained. “He comes to my house and berates me any time I screw up. I hear his voice in my head constantly. More than my own most of the time. It’s maddening.”

“It sounds like he’s pretty frightening.”

“More than you know.”

“That’s where courage comes in.”

“That’s easier said than done.” Jamie hated how defeated she sounded. “How do you do it? Live life so unafraid?”

Zahra sat up straighter. “My parents inspire me to be brave every day. Even in the little things.”

“How so?”

“They’ve been pretty open with me about leaving Palestine, our homeland,” Zahra said. “They’ve never shied away from telling me how scared they were to uproot their entire lives, with no guarantees they would ever be able to come back. But my mother was pregnant with me, and she wanted the best opportunities for her child. My father had come to England for university, and he told her all his stories about life here inLondon. England didn’t sound bad to her. But I think the most important thing was that neither my mother nor my father did it alone. They had each other through it all, and it made them that much stronger as a couple. And I’ve admired them for their bravery from the moment I was born.”

Jamie listened intently. She never knew that Zahra’s family had taken such a chance.

“There’s a lot that they miss about Palestine,” Zahra continued. “But they assure me all the time that they have never regretted their decision. London isn’t perfect, but because we are here, I am able to play football at one of the highest levels in the world. My mother was able to get an outstanding education like my father. We’ve formed a community with friends and neighbors. And for the most part, we’re safe here.”

“Wow,” Jamie said. “That’s. . . incredible, honestly.”

“Yeah,” Zahra replied with a smile. “I think so too. Especially because it instilled in me the value of courage. Of not letting fear overtake my desire for the things I want out of life. Because that’s what courage truly is. Being afraid and doing it, anyway.”

Jamie looked at the treadmill and realized how deeply Zahra held that truth. Her knee-jerk reaction was to face the challenge. To try again when she hit the ground. It made her a great athlete, and an even better person.

“Thank you, Zahra,” Jamie said. “I can hardly think of anything more inspirational.”

“Any time,” Zahra said. “I’m always proud to talk about my people and their resilience. And thank you for sharing with me. I think this is like, the realest conversation we’ve ever had. I feel like we’re proper friends now.”

“We weren’t before?”

“I mean, we were teammates, but I hardly knew anything about you other than your football and your sexuality—after you came out to us, of course. I never assumed anything.”

Jamie smiled for the first time in days. “You’re right, I suppose. I guess I know you better now, too.”

“I’m pretty much an open book,” Zahra said. “D’you know what? We should have a sleepover sometime.”

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