Page 90 of Always on My Mind

“No,” Tessa said, steeling herself against the hurt she knew she was about to inflict on them both. “It’s us, Jamie.”

Jamie lifted a brow. “Us? How do you mean?”

“This isn’t working.”

She held Jamie’s gaze, willing her to understand, but found only bewilderment behind those gorgeous blue eyes. She was going to miss them for the rest of her life.

“Jamie, I can’t keep chipping away at my own heart to protect you,” she said. “It’s been months, and the progress with yourfather is minimal. At this rate, we’ll be in our fifties before anything truly changes, and I’m not willing to carry on this way.”

Jamie frowned, her brow furrowing. “If this is about not kissing you in the car—”

“It’s about that and every other time I’ve felt like a secret around you,” Tessa said. “I just watched a man publicly weep for the love of his wife and baby. And I realized that’s what I want too.”

“I. . . Tessa, I’m working on it,” Jamie said, her lip quivering. “I can get there.”

“I need someone whoisthere,” Tessa replied. Her throat closed up around the words, as if all her past lives were begging her not to say them. To fight for this. But the fight had gone out of her. “I know you’re working on things, but I still feel like I’m on a roller coaster. Where we have a good moment, then I get hurt, and you make it better with sex or a grand gesture. I’ve got to get off the ride, Jamie, or I’ll go mad.”

“It’s not going to be forever.”

“It’s not going to be right now, either.”

Jamie opened and closed her mouth a few times and sniffled before speaking again. “But we’re soulmates. We’ve found each other across the centuries! We’re meant to be together!”

“Aye, I know. Maybe in the next life.”

Jamie sucked in a soft gasp as a tear ran down her cheek. Tessa turned away. She wouldn’t be able to stand it if she saw Jamie break down. When she got into the lift, she burst into tears. She let herself fall apart in the time it would take to get back to the labor and delivery floor and Billie’s room. She had to condense those centuries of ache into a few short minutes. She would have more time to truly grieve later. For the moment, there was new life to celebrate. Even though it felt like hers was ending.

Chapter 27

While Tessa enjoyed Derry at Christmas, she especially loved her hometown in the spring. And it was most comforting in the wake of her recent heartbreak.

After visiting with Billie and the baby—Henry, they named him—Tessa booked the first available flight back to Northern Ireland. She would only stay a few days, as she would need to be back at work after missing a match. But she needed to get away. She needed her family. She needed to be reminded of life outside of her circle in London.

The first day, she laid in bed and slept. When she wasn’t sleeping, she was crying. Her mother brought her tea and food, but she didn’t touch it. It was as if a part of her had died. And she supposed it had. She was suffocating the part of herself that would always love Jamie and choosing a life of contentment without her. She expected to feel the weight of her past lives railing against the choice, but she didn’t dream of them. She wondered if her choice had severed the connection.

But if that were true, why did it hurt so much?

The raw agony settled into a dull ache after that brutal first day, and she managed to get herself out of bed to have breakfast with her family. To her immense relief, they didn’t ask her about Jamie or anything that happened. They carried on as if life were completely normal. Tessa might have cried with gratitude if she hadn’t spent all her tears on Jamie.

“Tessa, love, can you go and get dinner from the chippie?” her mother asked. “White fish all around, and five bags of chips.”

“Doesn’t Granda usually get a burger, Mammy?” Tessa asked.

“Aye, so he does, but the doctor’s told us to cut down on red meat because of his heart. So it’ll be fish for him.”

“Won’t he be cut up?”

“He’ll be grand. If he gives you any cheek, you send him straight to me.”

Tessa shrugged. She considered arguing that deep-fried fish was probably not much better on someone’s heart than red meat. Not to mention the chips. But she wouldn’t contradict her mother.

“Right, I’m away then,” she said, getting to her feet.

She slipped her trainers on and shoved her arms through the sleeves of her jacket. As she grabbed her purse off the hook, a hand wrapped around her arm above the elbow. Stifling a gasp, she whipped around to come face to face with her grandfather.

“I’ll give you twenty quid to get me a burger,” he whispered.

“But, Granda, your heart.”

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