Page 82 of Always on My Mind

“That’s progress. Have you shared that with Tessa?”

“Yeah. I think it helps, but those steps forward don’t count if we keep taking three steps back. I didn’t need to be weird at the baby shower. It wasn’t public. I should have held her fucking hand. God, I’m so stupid!”

Jamie buried her face in her hands and stopped walking. She wanted to scream or cry or rip out her hair. Anything other than endure the crushing weight of being a disappointment.

“I can’t win,” she said, dropping her hands back to her sides. “I either disappoint my father or I disappoint the love of my life.”

“You can’t please everyone, Jamie. What you’re after takes time.”

“And in that time, I am deeply hurting someone I love. Maybe we jumped the gun on being together.”

“Do you want to break up?”

“No, never! But I’m not sure what else will spare her feelings while I work through this.”

“It’s interesting you aren’t considering drastic action such as going no contact with your father,” Lila pointed out. “Any particular reason for that?”

“I don’t see the point, honestly,” Jamie explained. “He’d just show up at my house and berate me there.”

“So call the police.”

“I don’t want him arrested. Then he’d really let me have it.”

“Have you considered a restraining order? There are legal protections from harassment, which, as a therapist, is what I would call what your father does to you.”

“No, if I take legal action, it’ll be in the papers, and I don’t want them in my family’s business. Besides, he’s the only link to my mother.”

“I see. And have you spoken to her since your conversation at Christmas? I thought she made it clear she wanted you to get away.”

“She implied that, but I don’t want to lose her. Not if I can help it. She shouldn’t have to grieve for another child, even if I’m not dead or anything.”

All these thoughts had been swirling around in Jamie’s head in the days since the baby shower. Watching Tessa and Billie sharesuch an emotional moment had nearly brought Jamie to tears. She had no one in her life she was that close to, except for Tessa. And Tessa was the one she was pushing away. With every falter, she put more distance between them. And eventually, Tessa would once again be out of her reach.

“Jamie, you are going through this considering everyone’s feelings except the most important person’s,” Lila said.

“Who’s that?” Jamie asked.

Perhaps Lila could tell her who to choose between her mother, father, or girlfriend.

“It’s you,” Lila said. “Your feelings.”

Jamie sat down. “Oh.”

She hadn’t even considered herself. Which she realized was Lila’s point. But her own feelings were difficult to discern. She loved Tessa. She feared her father. She pitied her mother. Her love for Tessa was easily the strongest, but acting on it had the most consequences.

“Jamie, you need to consider, before anyone else, what you want,” Lila said. “If that’s being with Tessa, we can come up with ways to say what you need to say to your father. If that’s focusing on yourself, we can also work together on what to say to Tessa if you need to take a break.”

“I can’t take a break from her, we’ve already broken up once,” Jamie said. “I won’t get another chance. She’s not like that.”

“Never say never.”

“No, I can confidently say it. We’ve already had four chances at this, and I’ve fucked it up every time.”

“Four chances?”

Jamie froze. She hadn’t told Lila about discovering her connection to Tessa in their past lives. But she remembered seeing that Lila had some spiritual practices on her website. Maybe this wasn’t the worst slip up.

“We’re soulmates, you see,” Jamie said. “From past lives.”

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