Page 96 of We'll Meet Again

“Okay,hypothetically, why would we break up?”

She groaned. “You’re getting caught up on the wrong thing. Anything could happen, we don’t know.”

“Exactly, we don’t know!” he cried. “We could be together forever!”

“But there’s not a guarantee!”

“There could be if you let it!”

She drew back as if he’d swung at her. The wall that Ethan had been so sweetly chipping away at began reinforcing itself as she braced for the onslaught. The hurt she knew was coming. The only question remaining was whether she and Ethan would make it through to the other side of this conversation with minor flesh wounds or fatal blows.

“I thought we were making progress with your fears,” he said. “To find out you’re still waiting for the other shoe to drop…that sucks.”

“I didn’t say that,” she said.

“You didn’t have to. When I asked you to be there for me, your first instinct was to wonder what happens if this all falls apart. What else am I supposed to make of that?”

She swallowed and dropped her gaze. He had a point there, for which she had no counter argument. Only that she had no idea why she was like this, but he already knew that.

He scrubbed a hand over his face and heaved a sigh. “I thought…I thought things were different with us.”

She looked up and met his gaze. If only he knew just how different it was with him. The way he affected her and the things he made her see. She didn’t have words for it, so all she could say was, “They are.”

“I’m not so sure.” He paused for a beat. “I have reassured you every way I know how. But some part of you is still convinced that I’m going somewhere. That I’m just like every other guy. No matter what I do, it’s not enough.”

Pressure behind her eyes made them well up. “I’ve told you before that it is. Don’t you believe me?”

“I did believe you, but at some point, Billie, your actions and words gotta line up,” he said. “Now’s your chance to show me, not just tell me.”

“You’re not being fair,” she said. “I’m not like you, you know.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I can’t just wear my heart on my sleeve or jump right into something. I’m not a person who does big gestures and things like that -”

“You’re not?” he challenged. “Because you agreed to go out with me. You took me out line dancing. Hell, you even took a shot at baking a cake for me. You’re not exactly somebody I’d call a coward, Billie.”

“But I was awful at dancing and this cake looks like shit! And I totally misread you when we had our first date and let it fuck everything up!”

“It didn’t fuck everything up, we made it this far!”

“Only because you sought me out to fix it!” She paused, taking a deep breath. “My point is, I screw these things up, Ethan. I’m not good at relationships, no matter how many times I’ve tried. And while it has been different with you, I can’t just suddenly let go of the past as if it still doesn't affect me. Maybe with more time -”

“We’re out of time,” he said. “I’m leaving tomorrow.”

“What are you saying - this is theonlyway I can prove how much you mean to me?” she asked, folding her arms over her chest.

“No! It’s just…it’s a really big way. More important than any match or the FA Cup final or whatever else. This was a man who meant a lot to me. Who half-raised me.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t mean to sound ungrateful for all you’ve done for me. Truly, I don’t. I just don’t know how I’ll have the strength to say this goodbye without you at my side.”

“I just…I can’t, Ethan. It’s too much, too soon.”

His shoulders dropped with defeat. He slid his hands into his pockets, his gaze finding the floor as he chewed his lower lip. “I gotta tell you, I’m disappointed.”

“I’m sorry for that, but I can’t, I can’t go.”

He heaved a sigh and glanced out the window before meeting her eyes again. “I don’t think this is…what I thought it was.”

Her heart skipped a beat. “How…how do you mean?”

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