Page 54 of All Your Pain

“Would you like a bath? Something to eat?” I look at him and try to figure him out. Does he genuinely have no remorse for last night or is this him trying to say sorry?

“I just want to sleep,” I say, looking away from him.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea. You look—“

“Terrible? Yeah I know. I’m just tired after…” tears prick my eyes and before I can stop myself, I’m sobbing. He pulls me into his chest and I wish I had the mental strength to push him away but like always I show my weakness and lean into him. “Why did you do that?”

“I scared you.” I’m not sure if he’s asking but I don’t respond anyway. “I’m—,” I think he’s about to say he’s sorry but instead he says, “I couldn’t help myself, baby. I love you so much and it makes me crazier than usual.” His tone is light and playful, the opposite of everything festering inside me.

I really thought he cared about how I feel.

After all the times he’s picked me back up after making me fall apart I thought he’d be capable of at least asorrybut I’ve been naive to think I could change someone like him.

“Please, just let me sleep,” I cry into his chest and he lays me down. He wraps his body around mine and strokes my hair. I want to tell him to leave but his presence relaxes me even though it shouldn’t and I end up falling asleep again.

21

DEAN

“Idon’t understand!” I shout as I lay into the punching bag in my home gym with my music battering my eardrums. Nothing some deathcore can’t fix, well usually. It doesn’t seem to be helping much today. My mind’s still a chaotic mess.

I just can't wrap my head around why Willow is so scared of me now.

Guilt gnaws at my chest but I push it away and let anger take over. That emotion I can understand and is much easier to control.Why should I feel bad anyway?

I never intended for her to be here for more than one night but here she is. I gave her life back to her, the only catch is it’s mine to possess. Mine to use.

She told me she understood.

When I carved my name into her flesh and she gave in to me, that was the moment I thought she became mine, but maybe she's been lying all along?

Willow can never leave, she knows that. I just don’t understand this feeling in my chest. It started the first time I sawher and keeps getting stronger. I’m almost certain it's love but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it. Fuck, I thought I was doing things right.

Why can’t she just love me back?

I punch the bag again, not bothering with gloves or hand wraps and blood starts to smear on the surface. I sigh and look at the back of my hand. If Willow did this she’d be sobbing or at least wincing like a normal person not staring at it numbly like the freak I am. I dig my nail into one of the cuts and feel nothing like always.

I remember the first time my knuckles split open, crimson dripping onto the concrete as the boy I’d beaten cried on the floor. I was barely ten and I’d finally snapped. My first clear memories are from the orphanage I grew up in. The place itself was fine, it was the people in it that were awful.

The other boys beat me until I bled and I cried from the fear. Then after days of isolation in the infirmary I’d be sent straight back for it to happen again.

After a while I anticipated it and stopped crying. That’s when I discovered that I was different. I didn’t know I should have been feeling the pain of each punch and kick until one of the boys said, "why the fuck isn’t he crying?Doesn’t it hurt?"

I said,"I don’t know how to hurt"and they all looked at me like I was a freak.

I never cried again after that and the beatings soon stopped. Instead, I lived in isolation. Even surrounded by all the other kids I was alone.

They had an agreement that no one was allowed to speak to me and that felt like what I assumed was pain.

By the time I was old enough to be by myself I had learnt how to shut everything out. If I couldn’t feel pain, why bother feeling anything? It wasn’t until my first real kill that I discovered the joy other people's pain could bring me.

Now, I have my own personal pain slut waiting for me upstairs.

I know Willow likes it when I hurt her, she clings to me with all her might.

But why won’t she admit she likes it?

She should be fucking grateful to feel it at all.

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