Page 19 of All Your Pain

I don’t really want to die but I don’t even know what freedom is meant to feel like. From spending my life trapped under my dad's thumb to whatever this is, I’ve only had a few brief hours of being my own person and even that was full of anxiety and fear.

I knew finding my own life would be difficult especially with no money to my name but it would be better than being back with Dad.

My current situation should compare to that but for some reason I can’t bring myself to list the similarities. If I do then Dad's words will ring true. I’m just a whore spreading my legs for the first man that smiled at me.

I sit up on the bed and shuffle to the bathroom. Dean has swapped my rope bindings for leather cuffs with just a few inches of chain between them. So at least I can make my way to the bathroom unaided when I need it now, even if I do have to walk like a prisoner.

I hear the bedroom door unlock as I’m finishing up at the sink. I shuffle back to the bed not even bothering to hide my nakedness anymore.

“You’ve been gone all day,” I say, sitting down and looking out the window where it’s dark out.

“Sorry, little kitten, did you miss me?” The bed dips as he sits next to me then he’s pulling me onto his lap. I go stiff not wanting to give in to how warm he is or how good he smells.

I’ve learnt to not bother wasting my energy fighting him off like this. He always wins. I keep my strength for when I really need it, for when he wants to use me, but even then I lose against him every time.At least I can tell myself I tried.

“No, I’m hungry,” I say stubbornly. “You can’t just leave me all day without food.”

“Good job I picked up some takeout then,” he says, putting a plate of rice and what looks like some sort of curry under my nose. I scowl up at him even though the food smells so good like sweet coconut. "If you stop being stubborn and just tell me what you like I'll get it for you." My stomach growls loudly and I blush.

Thanks body for once again betraying me.

He raises his eyebrows at me, as if to saystop being so stubborn and eat, as he holds a spoonful of food to my lips. At least this meal needs utensils unlike yesterday’s which I had to eat straight from his fingers.

I open my mouth, letting him feed me and try to hide the moan of satisfaction as the flavors hit my taste buds but it really is one of the best things I’ve eaten in a long time.

“Hope you make those sounds when it’s my cock in your mouth,” he murmurs against my temple and I choke on my food. I shove at him trying to get myself off his lap, almost knocking the food everywhere in the process which makes me stop and grab awkwardly for the plate. I’m not losing my meal because he’s an asshole.

“Do you have to be such a jerk all the time?” I say through my mouthful.

“I wasn't even being mean,” he says, pinching my chin and forcing me to look up at him. “I was just stating the obvious.Ilove the sounds you make andyoulove my cock.”

“If you put that thing anywhere near my mouth, I’ll bite it off.”

He eyes me curiously as he smiles, his tongue wets his lips and my stomach flips. Only because I’m still hungry though.

"I didn't hear you say you don't love it," he whispers against my ear and my skin tingles from the caress of his warm breath. He smells like cinnamon.Has he been drinking or is it from another woman?A flash of anger shoots through me and I have to block the image of him fucking someone else from my thoughts.

I open my mouth and stick my tongue out for more food whilst also taunting him with what I won’t give him. He laughs and puts another spoonful in.

I end up ignoring him for the rest of the meal, too lost in my own head to pay much attention to whatever he’s talking about until I hear him say the wordkilled.

“What did you just say?” I ask him.Has he killed someone else?

As he sets the empty plate down on the nightstand, I quickly crawl off his lap.

“You asked me before why I killed those men. It’s my job and I enjoy it but I just thought you should know they weren’t good people. They’d done a lot of things that should have earned them jail time but they were gang members with a lot of cops in their pockets so they always found an out.”

“So you’re like some kind of vigilante?” If he starts referring to himself as‘the night’I’m going to stab myself with that spoon.

Dean barks out a laugh so loud that I flinch back. “God no! I kill people because it’s easy money not because I care about shit like that. People are all bad, Willow.”

“I’ve not done anything to deserve this.”

“Maybe not,” he says as he strokes my hair. “I don’t have it in me to do the good thing. I’m not even sure if I can do the right thing. I don’t know what they are anymore” He frowns and ponders something but I can’t figure out what.Surely the good and the right thing are the same?

With a sigh I say, “I’m tired.” I pull away from his touch and lie down on my side, facing away from him then pull the blanket up over myself.

“Tough. I’ve not touched you all day and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about all the things I want to do to you. Do I fuck your sweet pussy again? Or maybe I can break your ass in? Or see what that vicious little mouth of yours can do?” I try to hide the shiver that his words bring out of me and curl in on myself so he can’t see the heat on my face.

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