Page 17 of Punished

He’s shirtless, and my eyes can’t help but to stare at his muscular back and the large portrait of a skeleton woman that covers it.La Santa Muerte. I’ve seen her candles at Mr. Friborg’s Botanica. The detail on the tattoo shows her adorned with flowers, angels, and a banner that reads “Protect Me”.

When Adrian turns back around with the paper towels, he immediately presses them against my chest. I stiffen and his eyes drop to mine. “I’m sorry,” I say, as I look down to his hands as he soaks up the coffee. I’m overwhelmed by the sensation building in my nipples and the heat between my thighs. His muscles flex, and I’m sure he’s sensed it as his movements stop and he holds the paper towel there on my sensitive nipples. I do everything to not look up at him. Instead, my eyes wander back over the designs on his stomach and down to that deep V at the top of his sweats. I look down further to see the outline in his sweatpants. He's hard.

“Picking up where we left off?” he says as a grin appears on his face.

My cheeks flush.

My eyes shoot to find an exit. “Abort mission!” I scream to my vagina as I run straight to the door.

I head to the shower after Mireya leaves. A very cold shower. I don’t have time to take care of my dick, and at this point, we’ve come to an agreement that Mireya is worth waiting for. After last night, I’ve decided she will be mine. Her dreams are mine, her moans are mine, and her punishment will be mine to carry out. The plan developed while I watched her sleep next to me. It was something about the way she drifted back to sleep. The softness of her face, her chest rising and falling with each breath, and her pouty lips mumbling my name. She was as desperate for me as I am for her. I need to have her. I need to punish her for what she did and remind her who she belongs to.

I get dressed and make my way back to the kitchen when I see my mother and Patricio sitting at the table. She looks better than yesterday, but Dr. Aguilar saidit could take a month before we get all the drugs out of her system. Patricio spreads jam over a piece of toast for her. He is still in his clothes from last night. They both look up when I walk in to take a seat at the table.

“Ama, how are you feeling?” She looks up and offers a faint smile.

“I’m good, mijo. I’m tired, but I’m happy to see you.” She reaches across the table and her hand grabs a hold of mine. She looks up to the ceiling, trying not to cry. I have witnessed her like this a dozen times. It had been a cycle every time she used. She was always sorry, but only until the cravings returned. Then she was desperate and using again. As if he can hear my worry, Patricio looks to me.

“We need to find a more suitable place for your mother to recover.”

“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to my mother.” I stare right at him as my jaw clenches. He wants to take her to his fancy estate, with his staff and luxuries to keep her busy. He wants to be her knight in shining armor.Over. My. Dead. Body.

“Your mother needs help, Adrian. I’m not saying she has to come home with me, but she does need to be around professionals. I can find her a high-quality rehabilitation facility, where both her physical and emotional needs can be assessed.” He’s not backing down.

“You’re not her fucking savior, Patricio.” I’m not backing down either.

“Adrian. Patricio is right. It might be better if I go with him until I can check myself into a facility.” I look at my mother’s exhausted face. Her voice soft and her eyes pleading.

“No! This family shut you out! And you think you’re safer around him than you would be around your own fucking son? If you hate me so damn much, just say it!” The words fly out like bullets.

She stands up and reaches over the table and slaps me across the face. I immediately feel the sting, her hand sharp against my face.

She stares at me, and I see where my words hurt her the most as tears fall down her eyes.

“I am the one who told Patricio to get me out of here. How do you think it makes me feel to have my own son see me like this? To see me weak and broken. I was supposed to take care of YOU! I am your mother, Adrian, and I was supposed to take care of you.” She breaks down and sobs as Patricio moves to comfort her.

There’s a strange feeling pulling in my chest. It’s like I’m that ten-year-old boy again. The one who put so much pressure on himself to rescue her. The loneliness I felt as a child and the promises I made myself to never feel thatweak again.

“Ma, I’m sorry. I just—” I can’t find the words, and my voice cracks at the thought of her leaving me again. “I just want to help you.”

“I know you do, but you can’t do this for me. I have been running for so long, and I am tired, Adrian. I’ve spent every day since you got locked up regretting the person I’ve become. The type of mother I was to you. I have let the past control my present, and I don’t want it to control my future.”

“There are dark things in my past that I have been running from for far too long. Things you are old enough to understand now, so we can take the next step forward. So I can take the next step forward. The first thing you need to understand is nothing that happened to me was Patricio’s fault. I hid things from you, and I hid you from them.” I give her my full attention. It’s the first time she has ever talked openly about her addiction.

“I was afraid of your biological father. What he did to me broke me, and I had no way of escaping what he did when I was carrying his child. I didn’t want you. I tried to tell my mother, and she didn’t care. As a devout Catholic woman, she would not entertain any other option.” She squeezes Patricio’s hand tighter. Her face is blank, like retelling this is a step toward finally staring her demonsdown. I was her demon.

“I’m sorry.” The words fall out as a plea. This whole time I had been trying to save her, she had been running from me–the embodiment of her trauma. This whole situation is fucked up. I was forced on her. Something she never wanted. The ache in my chest tightens.

“When I saw you, Adrian, my feelings changed. I was selfish. I wanted to keep you. I wanted you to save me. Patricio was ready to raise you as his own son, and I saw light at the end of the tunnel. He was willing to give all this up. It was a hard decision, but at the time, I thought it was better for me to do this alone. I didn’t want Patricio to sacrifice anything for me. I knew I’d destroy him in my sadness. I pushed him away, and I leaned on you. I’m sorry for that. I never wanted you to grow up feeling unloved, but I could never give you the love you deserved.”

I want to be sad. I want her to love me. I want to be angry. I want to die. I want everything and nothing, all at once. I watch as tears fall down her face, and all I can think about is how damaged I really am, but she was allowed her truth. Even if that truth shattered me. There it was. I had never been loved, and I would never be able to love anyone. I want to think about her, but I’ve spent my whole life thinking about her. I was a little boy, working harder on her recovery than she ever did, just so shewould love me, and in the end, it did nothing. I would always be a reminder of my father.

“Adrian, are you okay?” Patricio asks.

“Don’t worry about me. You did your part already. I don’t need shit from you or you,” I say, as I point to each of them. “I loved you, even when I had no idea you could never love me. You fucking tore me apart, and I still went to the gates of hell to find you. I see now that may never be enough.”

“Adrian, please don’t be mad at me for speaking my truth.”

“Go. Get out! Let Patricio save you and forget I ever existed!”

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