Page 60 of Snowed Under

“I know. My poor mom. She was so heartbroken, and the years that followed were really difficult. He could no longer deny it to his own family. I guess that’s why my dad always singled me out, my siblings hate us and at times I wonder if he does, too.”

“He couldn’t hate you, baby. It’s not possible, nobody could.”

I bite back tears, my words getting caught in my throat, and it comes out in a sob. I had no idea I was going to be confessing this tonight.

I feel his arm reach out and snake around my waist, pulling me toward him. “I’m so sorry, Ains. I really am.”

“You don’t need to be,” I say. “It’s stupid. I’m being stupid.” I still let him pull me into an embrace, and I can’t help but wrap my arms around his colossal body. He’s so firm, and warm, and all things magical. But he’s here. He’s real.

He pulls back for a moment and tilts my chin again in that way he does so often. “Don’t ever say that. Nothing you say is stupid. You have a right to be upset and feel the way you feel.”

“You’re being very sweet,” I say, feeling foolish that tears have escaped me; they run silently down my cheeks. He pulls me back in and I rest my chin on his shoulder. It feels so comfortable and so natural being enveloped in his arms. “You don’t need to bethis nice.”

“I want to know all the things about you, the good and the bad. Not that anything could be bad, but this thing that happened to you and your mom is not your fault.”

I sniff as I swiftly wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. “Thank you, Cole. You’re an incredibly decent man.”

“I mean it. For him to do that and then make you feel like an inconvenience? It’s inexcusable.”

“Try telling him that. He just has this way of getting away with everything. I don’t know why he even invites me to have Christmas with him sometimes. He never wants me there. As a kid, he never really acknowledged me, nor did he make Christmases very enjoyable the couple of times I saw him. He made me open my presents in the car that was parked in the lot a few doors from his house, away from everyone else. He didn’t want his other kids to get upset.”

I see his Adam’s apple bob at my confession. “Fuck, Ains.”

I pull back to look at him and see that his intense eyes are fierce and not moving from mine. I can see and feel from the heat radiating off him that he doesn’t like me being upset, or the people or person who may have caused it. Is it bad that his reaction, and him cursing like that, actually makes me feel better somehow? Is it terrible that it sparks something within me that makes me feel like I matter, and that I’m important? The fact he’s being so damned protective over me lights me up brighter than the town Christmas tree, standing boldly in front of the Town Hall.

How can I feel this ignited from telling him something so shameful and awful?

But this is the kind of guy Cole is. He always has that ability to make me feel better.

It couldn’t come at a more welcome time. “He’s not agood guy,” I finally say. “He’s probably calling in a half assed attempt to see what my Christmas plans are.”

“You can say no to him, you know.” Cole tilts his head and rubs his hand over my shoulders. “You know that, right?”

“It’s always hard saying no to my dad. He kinda has that ability to make me feel obligated, despite everything I know about him.”

“Then make a change right now,” he says. “Put a stop to it if it makes you feel this bad, it clearly stresses you out. Say no to Christmas with him if that’s not what you want to do.”

I blink up at him and swallow hard. Say no to my dad? I mean, I could, I guess.

But do I have the courage to do that? I know I’m an adult and all, but he makes me feel like I’m still that little girl all over again, opening her presents in the car and keeping them there until I went home later.

“Do you want to see him this Christmas?” he asks, even though we both already know the answer.

I shake my head vehemently. “I hate it. I feel stupid for putting myself through it to please a man who clearly doesn’t care if I exist or not. I’ve avoided it some years, but I go out of obligation because my dad is getting older and all that stuff.”

“So you go out of guilt? You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” he says softly, calmly. And God, I want to believe him so badly. I know it deep down. I’ve just never stood up to him.

I feel his lips press into my forehead in a soft kiss. The wash of relief that comes over me that my secret is out of the bag, and he’s okay with it, makes my shoulders relax, as well as my nerves. Again, it shows me what a man Cole really is. This is how men should be. Not a coward hiding like my father, and making my mom and I feel worthless. “I’ll tell him no if that’s what his call was about,” I whisper. “It’s high time I took control.”

“I think that’s a good idea.” He pauses, and after a moment, he continues. “You know, you could write it all down in a letter.”

I look up at him again. “A letter?”

“Yeah, I saw something on one of those talk shows and it said you can help release pent-up emotions and get stuff off your chest by writing a letter to the person. You jot down everything you want to say, leaving nothing out. You don’t even have to send it, or say it out loud, in fact, in the show they burned the letter. It’s more for you than it is for the other person.”

My heart thrums at his words. I could do that. Maybe I do have pent-up emotions that I haven’t released. I know I have things I need to get out, but don’t necessarily feel the need to tell them to my dad. He’ll never change. Cole could be onto something. “That doesn’t sound like a bad idea,” I sniff.

His head dips a little further, and he kisses my nose. I lift my face upward so our lips meet and he kisses me soft and slow, as though I’m going to break.

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