Page 83 of Pretend for Me

I couldn’t help but smile like a fool. I was crazy about her. And so fucking proud of her. Of us.

45

MATTHEW

“Cass, I don’t know what you want me to say?” I said, shaking my head. This fight we were having had gotten old fast.

When Cassie and I had started attending therapy a few months ago, we settled on going once a week separately and twice a month as a couple. It had really helped our communication and allowed us to set boundaries with one another.

Our therapist, Dr. Phil—we both laughed at the name when he told us to call him that, but he took it in stride since it wasn’t the first time he’d gotten the reaction to the name—Dr. Phil Johnson was helpful and insightful. From our very first session, he could spot the codependency between us. It was a consequence of our rocky upbringing, and he pointed out that it had the potential to cause many more problems if we both didn’t consciously work on our individual issues. He told us that the best way to grow stronger as a couple was to work on being able to stand more firmly on our own two feet.

The thought of being without each other gave us pause. We hadn’t realized how relying on each other as much as we had inthe past had ultimately been what had torn us apart. Committed to overcoming anything that could put a wedge between us again, Cassie and I put in the hard work week after week, tackling the difficult conversations; some of which were harder than others.

“Don’t Cass, me,” Cassie warned, crossing her arms. “And don’t act like you need me to goad you into what the proper thing to say is.”

Therapy wasn’t a magical fix for our issues. No, quite the opposite. Going to therapy made us face things that were sometimes too tough to face on our own. Without Phil and his guidance, many problems would have been shoved under the rug until there was no room left to hide.

We spoke about all the grievances that plagued us deep inside. Cassie shared how much me not fighting for her had cut deep. We rehashed the horrible things I said to her and her bitterness over my “constant worshiping of my adoptive family.” Her resentment toward me and my sudden wealth. She broke down and told me how angry she was that she was sleeping in shelters while I was living the high life. It had been painful to go into details about how she felt learning I’d slept with countless women, trying to get over her, especially rich girls. Everything she wasn’t and would never be—her words not mine. I had been caught off guard by that admission since she had seemed to be okay with it when I’d told her before, but this was part of the reason we needed to be in therapy. We had both gotten really good at shielding the other from our true feelings, playingpretendin order to protect the other constantly.

Cassie wasn’t the only one who got things off her chest. I shared how I felt neglected and shut out by Cassie after I was adopted. We worked through how hard it was for me to overcome my childhood wounds, the burns. In our sessions, Phil helped dissect the manipulation I was subjected to from ayoung age by my adoptive family. I explained why I spoke out in desperation all those years ago, when I yearned for Cassie’s love and support. I detailed my guilt and disgust for the wrongdoings and bad choices I’d made along the way, including sleeping around and not showing Cassie sooner that she was enough or speaking my mind about my needs before things came to a head.

Much like today…

“Cass, I’m sorry.”I breathed out and made my way to where she was hovering in the kitchen doorway.

“You know how I feel about the topic and I’m not ready to let go of the protection yet.”

I smirked at the double meaning of her words, and she hit me.

“Fine, condoms and birth control. Perfect combo.” I threw my hands up dejectedly. Why did I even say anything?

“I felt really betrayed that you waited until we were in front of Phil to bring that shit up. Couldn’t you have at least mentioned it beforehand, instead of ambushing me during a session?” she admonished, not looking at me.

Cassie was what Phil liked to call a “doomsday prepper.” Who could blame her? Good things didn’t often come to Cassie. Now that her luck was turning around, I could see that she had a tendency to wait for the other shoe to drop.

“Cassie, I just wanted you to know you’re safe when we are together that way. No matter what happens we are going to be okay. So would our child if we ever had one.” I trailed off, probably fucking up even more.

She rolled her eyes. “I wish it were that simple. I’m still trying to learn to celebrate my wins, like working at the gallery. I’m overwhelmed,” Cassie whispered, still not meeting my eyes.

I grabbed her face, realizing how wrong I was. “I’m sorry. Truly. I will wait for you to be ready—if you’re ever ready. I love you. I only need you,” I promised, kissing her nose.

Her face squished and then she pursed her lips. “Thank you. And I’m sorry too.”

Our therapist explained how Cassie needed small “glimmers” of good. She needed them consistently so her nervous system reset out of fight-or-flight mode. Once she was out of the heightened state, we could make more changes. We never had safety or consistency growing up so we formed coping mechanisms around the uncomfortable feelings that came up.

Cassie’s coping mechanisms were running and expecting nothing or just bad things to happen. My coping mechanisms were brushing things under the rug and trying to fix things before the timing was right. Finding out more about ourselves throughout the journey was inevitable.

Many times after one of us got home from a session, or even during a joint session, there were fights, tears, yelling, breakthroughs, and breakdowns. Then there was a tenderness and understanding we only wanted from the other.

“It’s going to be okay.” I repeated, only hoping it was true.

46

CASSIE

“Do you have any idea how much Oreo has whined without Rocky here?” Audrey informed with mild irritation evident in her tone. She walked from the kitchen to her bedroom, huffing the whole time.

Once she was back in their line of sight, Matthew held his hands up. “Aud, relax they won’t be apart for a while now.”

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