Page 13 of Pretend for Me

“Hello, anybody work here?”

We spun to see somebody waving around Aiden’s sculpture. “Gotta go,” he said breathlessly, jogging toward his booth.

Watching Aiden be charming and welcoming to the people who approached his booth gave me a sliver of hope. He looked over at me periodically and flashed me a brilliant smile each time. It made me feel happy, so why was I stuck thinking about a particular smirk instead?

While nobody would ever know my history as well ashim, maybe that was why it was called history. It should stay buried in the past.

“Come on,Cassie. Please let me drive you home. It’s getting chilly out, and you live all the way in Manhattan,” Aiden pleaded.

I shook my head for the second time, declining his offer. I hated driving and riding in cars, ever sincehim. Every time I had to take a taxi somewhere, I had flashbacks of him buying Beau’s truck and then our disastrous last ride together. With the recent news of Beau’s passing, the thought of getting into a car made me even sadder.

So many mundane things seemed so heavy for me. The trauma of my childhood and youth never left me. I had many fears develop, and sometimes new ones popped up when I least expected them.

“Aiden, thank you, but no. I have to stop at a few places before I head home. Audrey is working late, so this is my opportunity to get things done. You know how she can be.” I gave him a half-hearted smile. It was partly a lie. I had no clue what shift Audrey was working, but I did have something I wanted to take care of before I lost my nerve.

“Fine. But can I still take you to dinner Wednesday night?” Aiden reasoned, playing with his car keys.

I shuffled my feet and looked down, not because I didn’t want to go on another date with Aiden—I definitely wanted to—but it was a question of whether or not I could. Our courtship had been ramping up over the past few weeks, and I knew the issue of sex would be on the horizon soon. I just hoped I would be ready this time.

Throughout the years, I had tried to move on. Although it took me time to work up to dating, I did try. I had agreed to many dates. They would make plans only for me to cancel at the last minute due to cold feet. There was also one time I ran out of a restaurant because it had aVelveteen Rabbitquote hanging on the wall. After that, I’d taken a break for a while before trying again.

I even went as far as listening to Audrey on my twenty-fifth birthday when she told me to give Jerry, the bartender, my number. This was in between shots of tequila, and I was impressed that he didn’t mind the loopy conversation I managed as a result of the alcohol running through my veins. He was probably used to it. He said my shyness and rambling nature were “endearing.”

Audrey was pretty proud of herself when we continued to date after the innocent flirting at my birthday celebration. In fact, we dated on and off all the way from my birthday in August until New Year’s.

During our brief romance, Jerry slowly opened my world and heart again. Jerry was funny, almost goofy. He made me laugh, and it had been so long since I had done that.

I tried to push thoughts of Matthew out of my head as we kissed for the first time. I tried not to flinch when he would touch me, even though the caresses were too reminiscent of the ones I used to get from the boy who I had cuddled with every night for years. I forced myself to take the initiative to escalate our physical relationship to third base by November.When the New Year rolled around, we took the next step, but something felt off. For weeks after, I couldn’t help but feel like I was cheating onhim.Ultimately, when push came to shove, I couldn’t get Matthew and the metaphorical mark he had left on me out of my mind.

“Cassie!” Aiden waved his hand in front of my face. “Earth to Cassie.”

My eyes widened as I shook myself out of my reflection on the past. I had to stop doing that, but being in the moment was hard.

This season of my life felt like two pages were stuck together. My past and my future glued to one another with no space for the here and now. However, there was no avoiding the present, not when it stood in front of me, demanding my attention.

“Sure,” I murmured softly, so softly Aiden couldn’t make out what I’d said. “Sure,” I repeated louder.

Aiden grabbed my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Thank you.” He leaned in to kiss me on the lips, but I turned my face at the last second. When Aiden pulled back and stared at me with a questioning look, I glanced around as if to blame my refusal on a dislike of public displays of affection.

As if that was my only hindrance.

I jumpedas I heard rustling behind me. I reached into my pocket, grabbing the pepper spray that Audrey had given me when I’d first moved in. She insisted that there were too many weirdos in New York for me to be unprepared and unprotected. I made a move to walk back toward the train station when something, or rather someone, grabbed my arm.

“Ahh,” I yelled out, trying to straighten the nozzle on the can of pepper spray.

The streetlight shone brightly above me, and I got a closer look at my would-be assailant.

“Charlie!” I shouted, hitting the arm of the girl who was once my sister, and moved to hug her.

“Ow, god, you really have gotten violent!” Charlie remarked, smirking as we embraced. Always so damned smug.

“Oh my goodness. How are you?” I squeezed her before releasing her from my hold. I assessed how much older she looked from the last time I’d seen her, but at the same time, there was a familiarity there. She was still my favorite pain in the ass. “What are you doing here alone so late at night?”

“I’m just dandy. And it’s not that late,Mom.Besides, I’m not alone. I’m hanging with my … friend, Derek Anderson.” Charlie looked over her shoulder, and I followed her gaze, spotting an older guy with a five o’clock shadow and a scowl on his face standing a few feet away. He looked about my age, maybe a year or two younger.

“Friend, huh?” I raised my eyebrows and shook my head, pulling crazy Charlie into my arms again. “Oh and what did you mean when you said I ‘really have gotten violent’?”

Charlie shuffled her feet and grimaced. “Oh you know, nothing! You just were never violent before.” Charlie chewed on her bottom lip.

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