Page 44 of Our Final Encore

“How was yours?”

He shrugs. “Long and hot,” he takes another sip of beer. He’s not much for small talk, we certainly don’t have deep conversations either, but sometimes just having company is nice. I can’t deny it, I’ve been lonely.

He tips my head up to kiss me, and his lips move over mine the same way they always have. “Do you want to spend the night?”

“Sure,” I nod, forcing a tight smile. We’ve had sex several times, although probably not as many as most couples would after seeing each other for this long. But right now I don’t think I could bring myself to do it, not when Alex’s proximity has been so heavy on my mind all day.

After dinner we lay in bed together, he’s watching some reruns of a sitcom that doesn’t interest me in the least. His handrests between my legs, and I softly roll onto my side so that I’m not facing him.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” I lie. “It was just a long day, I’m pretty tired.” I glance over my shoulder at him to see the disappointment all over his dark features.

I feel guilty. I’m using him, and I know that in a way he’s using me too, but we use each other in totally different ways. He wants sex with no real strings attached, but I just want comfort in the form of a warm, distracting body.

“No problem, get some rest.” He kisses me on the forehead, and I try not to cringe when it reminds me a little too much of a boy who used to do the same thing.

My eyes crack open,the only light in this dark room is an alarm clock with glowing red numbers that reads 4:39 AM. I snuggle closer, my back pushing up against his chest, then I pause. Suddenly I realize where I am. Ian’s soft, burly chest doesn’t match the stiffer one from my dream.

I hate when this happens. I’ll dream about Alex and it takes a moment for reality to hit me after I’ve woken up. Gently and quietly, I remove his arm from around me and tip-toe out of bed. He’s still sound asleep thankfully.

It wouldn’t hurt to head home now anyway, I can relieve Martha a little early, I’m sure she’ll be happy about that. After a year of taking care of my grandmother alone, we had to hire a part-time caregiver to help out. It was too much doing it all on my own, and my mom’s busy work schedule has only gotten busier.

Turning the key in the lock, I quietly step inside. Martha is sitting on the lay-z-boy reading her Kindle in the dark, and Mamaw is next to her sleeping on the couch. I let her know that she’s free to head home, she looks relieved and exhausted, her brown eyes outlined by dark circles.

Mamaw doesn’t stir, she’s clearly exhausted too. She’s still clear as day cognitively, which I thank god for every day, but physically she’s gone downhill. Doing simple tasks like getting dressed or bathing are impossible for her to do alone, despite how stubbornly she tries to refuse my help even still.

I feel like my life is just three scenes on repeat, day in and day out.

Take care of Mamaw, work, and if I feel up to it I’ll hang out with Maisie or Ian.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for everything I have. But sometimes, I just wish something would happen. Something that would make my life a little bit more interesting.

It’s still dark outside, so I crawl into bed, imagining what could possibly make my life different, if just slightly. But sleep overtakes me before I can think of anything.

TWENTY-NINE

Opal

My phone rings and a photo of Maisie flashes across my screen.

“Hello?” I hold the phone against my ear with my shoulder while I continue typing my current thought before I lose it.

“Mom’s watching Sophia and I’m coming to get you, so get ready.”

“Rain check? I’m kind of busy tonight.”

A disappointed sigh crackles through the speaker. “It’s been so long since we’ve gone out, come on,” she begs on the other end of the phone. “Please?”

She’s so dramatic, we went out together only three weeks ago. But I guess maybe that feels like a long time to her.

“I have to work tomorrow morning.”

“On a Saturday?”

“Yeah, Rhonda asked me to cover her shift again,” I roll my eyes.

I know I was lucky to find this job, they’re pretty understanding about me coming in late if I need to take Mamawto the doctor or something, but on the other hand, my boss and coworkers sometimes take advantage of my people-pleasing tendencies.

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