Page 53 of Betting on the Brainiac

“Good timing,” he calls back. A few seconds later, he walks into the living room and settles on the couch, shifting Ava’s legs to drape across his. “Links are cooked and on the table if anyone is hungry.”

You couldn’t pry me out of my spot with a crowbar. I’ll be skipping dinner and anything else that means ending this torture. This is karma, but I’m not sure if it’s because I am an incredible human or I’m coming back as a dung beetle in my next life.

Thirty minutes into the worst horror movie I’ve ever seen, I still don’t know the answer. It’s been a long time since I laughed this hard, the commentary flying with every wooden line delivery or plot escalation that makes about as much sense as a Kanye West rant.

Madison—between ignoring calls on her phone from “Dad”—is the fastest and funniest. “Is this on DVD? It would be the perfect gift for that special person in your life you truly loathe.” Or “Luke Wilson is in this? Do you think he returned his salary so they wouldn’t put him on the cover?”

Evidence for good karma.

But we’re barely into the movie before she stretches to dig her toes into the arm of the other side of the chair. Her legs aren’t draped over my lap the way Sami and Ava are draped over their boyfriends, but it’s pretty close. Every time she leans forward when she thinks something dumb beyond belief is going to happen, her scent hijacks my nose. When she laughs, her body vibrates against mine—talk about being shook. She grabs my knee when something makes her laugh extra hard, and I have to sit there pretending like every touch doesn’t take me right back to Friday night.

Definitely evidence for bad karma.

At one point, Madison yells, “Pause the movie!” Madison hops up to pull Sami to her feet. “Let’s do a dramatic staging of the next scene and see how much we get right.”

No one can even blame the sangria for what happens next.

Sami takes the part of Main Blonde and Madison takes the part of Sullen Eliza Dushku. “Joey”—she points—“you are Weirdly Intense Frat Boyfriend.”

I shake my head as he climbs to his feet. “Sorry, but you’re not coming off as intense in that sundress, man.”

He looks down. “Is it the flowers?”

Madison pulls me up next. “You’re so right, Oliver.Youget to be Weirdly Intense Frat Boyfriend.”

If only she knew how intensely I’m attracted to her. Can’t think of a faster way to make it weird than that. “I got this.”

Surprise followed by approval crosses Madison’s face, but Charlie and Ruby cheer; they know me well enough to have expected this.

Josh and Joey decide they want to play the stalkers that may or may not be real, and for the next five minutes, total chaos erupts as Sami shrieks hysterically about how random parts of her keep spurting blood, Madison snarks about could Sami please stop bleeding so loudly because she can’t hear the creepymusic that tells when a bad thing is going to happen, and I keep getting right next to Sami’s ear, giving her a dead-eyed stare while humming my version of a horror movie music score. Josh and Joey keep doing jump scares.

Our audience of three loses it. Ava’s face is bright red, she’s laughing so hard. Ruby keeps gasping, “I can’t, I can’t,” and Charlie isn’t even making a sound, just drawing weak breaths with a faint wheeze while he holds his side.

Sami finally ends the scene by slumping to the floor and staring at the ceiling without blinking. “I’m dead,” she announces. Then she flops her head to the side and sticks her tongue out, cartoon style.

“Hallelujah,” Ruby says, wiping her eyes, “because y’all were killing me for real.”

Everyone starts back toward their seats, but Madison stops me with a hand on my wrist. “You’ve got range, Oliver. Code monkey, cat daddy, and now actor.”

“Actor’s not the right word,” I say. “Comedic genius is probably better.”

She starts to draw me back to the big chair, but I put my hand over hers and give it a gentle tug to release it. “I’ll be there in a minute. Genius needs sausage.”

She’s quiet for a full five seconds before she says, “You’re welcome for all the jokes I just kept to myself.”

“You the real MVP,” I say. “You want anything from the kitchen?”

“No, thanks.”

“I’ll come with you.” Ruby climbs to her feet to follow me.

We each grab a plate to fill, and Ruby smiles at me across the table where she’s examining some strawberries. “It’s weird to me that this is the first time you’ve hung out over here. Feels like normal.”

“It does.” I’d known everyone except Sami and Josh before today, and I saw Charlie, Ruby, and Madison all the time anyway. Except with way less lap sitting. “How are you, Ruby? I haven’t seen you since the breakup. Should I not mention it? Is it like when someone dies?”

“Do you think if you don’t bring it up that I’ll forget it happened?”

“Yeah. Like how if you don’t say Bloody Mary’s name, you won’t summon her.”

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