Page 39 of Burning for the Truth

He continues to dance with me, and he sings the sweetest song in my ear. Finally, he looks me in the eyes. “I can’t lose you, Briella.”

“You won’t. You’ve had me for a long time, Dean.” The wordsI love yourise up in my heart, but after seeing him talk to Chelsea in the hospital, I’m not sure how to say them. Is it wrong or selfish of me to say that to him? I know Drew would want me to move on and live my life…but would he be okay with the man I’m in love with being one of his closest friends? And with all the history we have between us, both good and bad, would I be selfish to keep him with me? Maybe he deserves a fresh start with someone else.

But in this moment, I keep him. He’s mine. I rise on my toes to kiss his lips. Right now, I refuse to let go. I’m holding on to him as tight as I can, and he seems to hold me tighter. His hands slide under my legs, and he lifts me so I can wrap around him. He continues to sway and slow dance with me as he kisses my lips. These kisses are causing me to lose all sense of reason as I’m swept up in the intimacy we share.

I feel his desire against me and it’s lighting me up with my own, momentarily making me forget everything else but him. I pull his shirt over his head and trace his pecs and shoulders with my hands, each touch hungry for more.

He presses my back against the wall as one hand tugs on the hem of my shirt, his fingertips softly grazing my skin. I take it off and kiss his neck as he reaches behind me to unclasp my bra. When it falls free, his stormy gaze devours me. He licks his lips before lowering his head to kiss my breasts, taking time to savor each one, while keeping me firmly pressed against the wall and very much aware of his hard length waiting to be freed.

When I can’t take it anymore, I pull his face back to mine and lick his lips, demanding entry before kissing them and sliding my tongue inside to meet his. I know my eyes are hooded with need. “Please, Dean. Don’t make me beg.”

He twirls me around and carries me to my bed, laying me down gently. He grins as he towers over me and it’s the sexiest smile I think I’ve ever seen. He unbuckles his belt while his gaze meets mine causing me to bite down on my lip in anticipation. “You know you never have to beg me to love you,” he says huskily with more honesty than I anticipated.

He undresses me from the waist down after he does the same. He leans down to me, only a breath between our lips as he lines up with my center. He places a kiss to my nose and then my lips teasing me. “You heard me, Briella Brigg. I love you.” And just like that he steals my breath with his first thrust, while irrevocably stealing my heart with his words. The ones I’ve always longed to hear him say…he loves me.

“Where’s Briella?” Dr. Barnette asks as I walk into her office.

“She’s at the firehouse in my office with the guys,” I admit.

Her eyes narrow as she takes me in. “Please have a seat. This is your session. I’m just…concerned about her. I care deeply for my patients, but she’s also a friend.” She manages a guarded smile.

“What can I do for you? You’ve only seen me the handful of times the department ordered you to, and while I believe you’re clear for duty, I also strongly believe you need to talk to someone. But I know you well enough to know you won’t share with those you love. I assume you’re going to try to do that here.” She stares at me quizzically.

“It’s my intention,” I reply as I sit in a chair across from her.

She nods. “Where would you like to begin?”

“I need to sort out my feelings of failure and guilt,” I tell her honestly as I rub my sweaty palms across my jean-clad knees.

She leans back in her chair and sizes me up as if carefully deciding what her next words should be. When it seems as if she’s thought it over, she places her glasses on the desk before her. “What guilt are you referring to?”

I swallow nervously. “The guilt I carry for surviving when we lost Drew.” Her lips almost pinch as she listens. “And the guilt for being in love with his girlfriend.”

“I see. And what failures are you talking about?” she asks as she holds her ink pen against her paper ready to take notes.

I close my eyes as I utter the next words. “I failed to keep him safe. I failed to save him. And I…I failed Bree by losing Drew.”

She pauses and stares at me. “Dean—” she starts, concern heavily laced in her tone, but I cut her off.

“No, you don’t understand. I always fail the people I care about. I could give you a hundred examples, I’m sure. And I’ve failed Briella before. I broke her heart years ago. The only reason I stand a chance with her now, is because of another failure to both Drew and her. I love her, Doc. I think I always have, and back then I had this skewed notion I was protecting her by staying away, and maybe I was right to do it at the time. I wasn’t the kind of man who deserved her then. But how can I ever be good enough for her when I’ve caused so much pain?” I plead with her to answer me.

Her eyes soften into something akin to understanding and sympathy. “I’ll be honest, I can see you love her very much. But in order to be able to love her as she deserves, you’ll have to be able to forgive and love yourself.”

A tear drops from my eye as I listen to her words of advice and wonder how I can do what she’s asking me to.

“Oh, Dean…you are worthy of happiness. You’re worthy of her. The only person I see you failing is yourself. That fire”—she shakes her head—“you can’t control fire. You didn’t set it, you set out to stop it and help someone you both thought needed it. You couldn’t have predicted the collapse. It’s not humanly possible to know the future.”

I can’t help but interject. “Maybe not, but I’ve been a firefighter for years and I knew we shouldn’t have been in there for as long as we were. I should’ve gotten us out.”

“You were trying tosavesomeone,” she says gently.

“Yeah, someone who wasn’t even there. So, in the end, it was all for nothing!” I shout angrily.

She flattens her lips. “Dean, you would do it the exact same way if it happened again because you went in with the knowledge someone was in that fire who needed to be saved. Drew would’ve been right beside you. It’s what you do. You’re a hero; you help people in their darkest hours of need…you save them. Don’t lose sight of that and who you are.”

“What if I can’t be that anymore?” I ask her anxiously.

“You can andyou are.You just saved Briella. You pulled her from the fire; if not for you, she might not be here.” She pauses. “It’s okay to feel survivor’s guilt, it’s normal even, but you havenothingto feel guilty about. You did nothing wrong. Life doesn’t always go the way we hope it will. And losing one of your brothers like that, is something you know can happen to anyone, but especially in your line of work, yet you still never expect it to.”

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