Page 15 of Burning for the Truth

“Dean,” she calls out as she stares at me and waits. I turn back toward her as she stands still, and then take cautious steps forward until I’m inches from her. She glances from my eyes to my chest, almost leaning in toward me, and I take it as my invitation to hug her.

I pull her small frame into my solid one and wrap her in my arms. She cries harder and I let her. I don’t know what she’s needing to process in this exact moment, but I’m not moving an inch until she tells me to. However long this embrace lasts, it feels as though a puzzle piece was finally put in place. She eventually slides her arms around me as well, digging her fingers into my back.

I hold her until she’s all cried out, and she’s holding on to me for dear life. When she finally stops, her cries are replaced by little hiccups. I rock us both from side to side as we stand in the doorway. She lays her head on my chest as if we’re slow dancing.

I keep her close to me, taking in this moment, because I know very well it could be our last. Right now, she’s giving in to her emotions, but once the shock wears off, she may push me away from her again and freeze me out.

A few minutes later, she pulls away and her eyes are swollen, her cheeks and nose are red from crying. She tries to smile, the tiniest smile, but her tears give way again. She wipes them as fast as she can. “I’m sorry, Dean. I shouldn’t have avoided you. But it’s hard to see you. I’m so glad you’re okay. And I’m happy you’ve been released back to active duty.”

I smile at her warmly and, before I start crying myself, say, “Thank you. When you’re ever able to talk, I have some things Drew wanted me to tell you.”

Her tears start again as the realization hits, likely stirring thoughts she buried or ignored. “And I don’t blame you for hating me. I would too.” I smile sadly before turning and leaving her to compose myself so I can go back out to the party Sterling planned for me.

“Dean…” she says as I walk away, but I don’t stop this time. I can’t face her right now without breaking myself. Because the same way I’m a reminder to her of what she lost, she’s a reminder to me of my failure to do my job and bring everyone home safe.

Istare at Dean’s back as he retreats downstairs. I don’t hate him. I never have and never could. I guess Sterling was right; I’ve been selfish. I’m not the only one grieving. I know I’m going to have to “put on my big-girl panties” and somehow make this right. I have to make him understand I don’t hate him…I just can’t be near him for long. It’s not him, it’s the memories attached to him I can’t get past. As bad as it sounds, it’s the truth—one I hope he’ll be able to understand.

I go into my old bedroom and pass through to the attached bathroom.Hell, I’m a mess.Any shred of mascara I was wearing is tracked down my face, and my face itself is about ten shades of pink to light red from all my crying. If I’m being honest, Dean is wearing my tears and snot…real attractive.I almost laugh.

After about twenty minutes, Sterling stands in my doorway. “You okay?” he asks sincerely, standing there with his arms crossed and his gaze focused on me.

I face him. “That’s a loaded question, but yes, for what you mean in this instance, I am.” I blow out a frustrated breath. “But you were right about me being selfish. I know Dean is grieving too. I just…it’s hard. When I think about Dean, I think about losing Drew. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I don’t know how not to.”

Sterling uncrosses his arms and smiles sadly. “I know it has to be hard, Bree. But you can’t stay in this place. You have to move on and live again. You can’t keep spinning your wheels. You’re not alone.”

“I know I’m not. But all I can think about is how much I miss him and how badly I want to nail the bastard who did this,” I say through gritted teeth. “Maybe after we do that, I can try to move on.”

He walks over to me and wraps me in a comforting hug. “I get it, but you still have to be present in your own life until that happens. Drew wouldn’t want this for you, and you know it.”

I pull away from Sterling. “I know. But it’s a lot easier said than done.” I gather my hair back in a ponytail and meet his stare again. “I don’t hate Dean. I can’t believe he thinks I do. I need to make him see I don’t, but I can’t really be around him. It…hurts,” I say as my lip trembles.

Sterling’s brows furrow. “You can’t make him see anything as long as you’re avoiding him. You don’t get to cut him out of everything because it’s too painful, Bree. Otherwise, you may as well actually hate him. It makes it seem like you blame him for Drew’s death. And that’s not true. I love you and you know I’d do anything for you, but what you’re doing to Dean isn’t right.”

After telling me like it is, my big brother leaves me alone with my thoughts. I sit on the bed and stare at the familiar walls of my childhood bedroom. I thought I knew what heartbreak was once upon a time when I still resided in this room. And damn it, I thought I was stronger than this too. But it would seem this arsonist, this murderer, took away everything…including knowing who the hell I am.

I stand and push my shoulders back, new determination in my spine. As I head toward the patio again, I mumble to myself,“Make this right with Dean, Briella Brigg, or you won’t be able to look yourself in the eye.”

“Are you Dean’s girlfriend?” A voice startles me as I’m reaching for the doorknob. I turn quickly and find the same blonde I saw with him earlier staring at me.

“Um, who are you?” I ask quickly. I’m annoyed someone snuck up on me and irritated a perfect stranger has the audacity to ask me such a personal question.

“I’m sorry, I’m Chelsea. I was one of Dean’s nurses in the hospital. We’ve kept in touch, and I’ve really started to care about him. But he seems…unavailable. I sort of thought he might have feelings for someone else even though he said he didn’t have a girlfriend, and I thought that someone might be you. Maybe you’re his ex, and he still has feelings for you?” she tries again, seemingly intent on pursuing him if she can get the all clear from me.

“Why would you think that? You don’t even know me,” I return sharply.

“No, but I saw the way he looked at you when you got here,” she adds with a raised brow.

“And how exactly was that?” I ask, because I saw panic in his eyes—or maybe guilt that I saw him able to be happy while I’m clearly doomed never to be.

She smiles sadly before answering. “Like you were the only person in the world.”

It takes me aback. “No, you’ve got it all wrong. Dean and I are friends. I’ve known him almost my entire life. He’s mybrother’s best friend. We’re going through some complicated…stuff.” It’s all I can bring myself to say.

She blinks at me. “I see. Well, forgive me. I wanted to be sure I wasn’t stepping on anyone’s toes if I asked him out.”

Oh, it’s like that.“Nope, no toes to step on here.” I smile through clenched teeth. This girl seems nice, so I don’t know why this is irritating me so badly. And if Dean can find some way to be happy after what we’re all dealing with, more power to him.

She smiles again. “Good to know.”

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