Page 49 of Premonition of Peace

MARCEL

A cough rattledthrough my lungs, and I lurched off the bed, keeling over. As I straightened and laid back down, every breath felt like a struggle.

Living wasn’t supposed to be this hard.

There were moments where I had dark thoughts that I was ready for all of this to be done. To finish this on my own terms, on my own time. But then, I pictured my sunbeam. She was determined. Nathalie always had a way of doing the impossible. I had underestimated her for so long. I could see that now. If I could live through this, I’d spend the rest of our lives making it up to her.

I tried to hold on to hope, but each passing hour became harder. Truthfully, I lived for the moments I could steal from her. Each text. Each phone call. It wasn’t enough for her to check in on me once a day, it had now turned to every few hours.

I tried to lighten the mood with jokes about my condition, but most of them fell flat. She could tell I was trying to deflect, not that it wasn’t painfully obvious anyway.

A sharp knock at the front door sounded. With great effort, I pushed myself up from the bed, ignoring the aches that coursed through my body.

The door swung open, and I couldn’t help the way my heartrate picked up at the sight of Nathalie. Her brown hair was curling lightly around her face, hanging over her shoulders. Her brown eyes widened as she took me in, her plump lower lip being pulled between her teeth.

“Hey, you,” she said with a small smile.

I watched her for a second, noting the way her eyes kept sliding past me, looking for something beyond me. Or someone. I swallowed my disappointment and petty jealousy so that I didn’t lose a moment with her.

“Hey, yourself.” I leaned against the door frame, feigning nonchalance, but really just needing the extra support. “August’s not here. Business of some sort.”

“Well, that’s good for him. I actually came to see you.” My heart skipped a beat, thrilled that the envy I’d felt was all for nothing. She’d come for me. When I didn’t move or respond, she twisted her lips to the side. “You gonna invite me in, or . . .?”

“Right, sorry,” I said, trying to be as relaxed as possible.

Her presence was like the universe handing me a small gift, and I wouldn’t waste it for a second. Stepping aside to let her in, she moved past me and headed straight for my room. I shuffled slowly, trailing quietly behind her.

Nathalie plopped onto the edge of my bed, her eyes scanning the room briefly before settling back on me. “You can drop the glamour,” she said, her voice forcefully casual. “I know it’s draining your energy. You don’t need to hide it in front of me.”

I shrugged noncommittally, choosing to downplay the point behind her statement. I know she didn’t like the glamour. She wanted to see what I looked like, wanted to watch my decline for herself, but keeping it up wasn’t just about appearancesand vanity. It was about preserving some sense of normalcy, of dignity, in the face of this fate I couldn’t seem to escape.

Feeling her gaze weighing on me, I moved to take a seat on my bed, leaning back against the headboard. Nathalie moved to her feet, facing away from me as she moved to my dresser and began toying with the few trinkets on it. I watched her for several moments, at first content to let her come to me when she was ready.

“Are you doing okay?” I asked, starting to worry slightly. She was rarely this quiet.

She hesitated, her back still to me, her hand floating over a picture frame. “I’ve been better.”

“Nathalie,” I said in a flat voice, cocking an eyebrow.

“I can’t figure it out.” She sniffled and finally turned her watery brown eyes on me. “I don’t know how to save you. I don’t know how to save Sasha. I don’t know how to do anything. I don’t know what it’s like to be this helpless and lost, and it’s driving me crazy. I should have figured out something by now.” She cleared her throat to hold herself back from crying.

“Come here,” I urged softly, holding my arms out and gesturing to my lap to make it clearer what I wanted.

Nathalie hesitated; her concern etched across her face. I reassured her with a faint smile, “I’m not that weak. Come here, sunbeam.”

Finally, she relented, stepping closer until I could reach out and pull her into my lap. She swung her leg over mine, coming to straddle me, face to face. She was stiff at first, trying to hold her weight off of me, but as my hand rubbed over her back, she slowly relaxed into my touch.

“I’ve always known that I had an early expiration date attached to me,” I said, finally talking over the quiet. “Whether we find some miracle or not, I’m just grateful that you know thetruth now. That you know all I ever wanted was to love you and protect you.”

“It’s not enough,” she whispered, pulling back to peer at me with tears streaming down her face.

“It might have to be.” It was the painful truth, and I hated to say it out loud. “Both of us know that if that happens, it wasn’t for lack of trying. You put in everything you have. You’re going to have accept that it was enough.”

Her lips quirked in a small, sad smile. “Why is it that the dying are always comforting the ones who will survive?” she mumbled. “How backwards is that?”

I chuckled lightly, rubbing my thumb over her lower lip. “I’ll comfort you anytime if it means you’ll sit on me like this.”

Nathalie’s small, sad smile widened a bit, but the tears in her eyes remained. Nathalie had always been like that. The type to take on the world’s problems as her own, to believe that tragic moments of fate were somehow her responsibility. More than ever, I wanted to take it all away, to give her a moment of peace amidst the chaos.

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