Page 27 of Bright Blinding Ruin

But that’s not right, is it? Laconia has never had a single empress before. I’d be the first, and frankly I don’t know that I want the pressure and the responsibilities that would come with a position like that.

Like, okay, say I beat Invictis’s golden ass into the ground and save what’s left of the kingdom—then what? Will I be able to go home? If I’m the all-powerful empress, will I be able to make my own portal home? And if I do that, does that mean theLaconians who are left will be defenseless should anything else happen?

Let’s not forget that enemies holding a grudge for some old war were the ones who unleashed Invictis in the first place. Who’s to say if I left something like that wouldn’t happen again?

A terrible thought occurs to me right then: what if Invictis isn’t the only one of his kind?

Fuck. I don’t know what I’d do if there’s more than one.

The journey that took me forever ends up only taking a few days thanks to my newfound magic. I have to slow down once I’m out of the mountainous region and follow a different road that wraps around the outer edge of the kingdom. By doing so I’ll avoid the city of Laconia and have a straighter shot to the Acadian castle. It’s not a road I’ve taken before.

It’s a damn good thing I’ve got magic behind me now, helping me cover more ground faster. It means I’m not shit out of luck when it comes to food. I was damn near out when I first saw Pylos’s castle. By the time I’m out of food, I’m able to do some foraging in a stream.

Nobody will ever catch me saying anything that was taken from water is tasty, but it fills the belly. Clams, things that look kind of like crayfish… even a catfish here and there. I’m gagging as I eat it each and every time, but I’m out of other options, and the creatures underwater are the only ones not affected by Invictis.

I’m getting better at using the flint to start fires and knowing when things are actually fully cooked, so there’s that. I’m not eating charred meat all the time, which is a bonus. Makes it all go down a little easier.

I lose track of the days it takes, but the journey into Acadia goes by much quicker than my one into Pylos. The land gets flatter, the grass greener. More rivers zigzag through the fields around me. Even the air itself is lighter, less oppressive. Morevillages dot the landscape. Though it’s a side of Acadia I haven’t seen so far, it looks the same as the route I took from Laconia twice before.

It proves just how uniform Acadia is, how green and plentiful the region is compared to Pylos. Pylos is harsh and unforgiving, much like its empress, whereas Acadia’s land is temperate and gentler, like Morimento.

What about Magnysia? What about Krotas? She is the only empress I don’t know much about. Ravenno, the ass, is her follower, and Frederick and his dad came from there, but that’s all I know.

Hmm. A part of me wishes I didn’t have the aether from Magnysia’s undercroft, so I could go there myself and get it—and therefore get a feel for the third empress.

But that’s something I don’t need to do, so I won’t. My only goal is to get the final aether and hurry back to Laconia so Fred can do whatever he has to. With any luck, I can do this before Invictis regains his full power.

It’s one night that I stumble upon a village and decide to bunk there that I find myself wondering if I have a chance at beating Invictis once he’s at his full strength. Laying there, on a musty bed that hasn’t seen use in years, I suddenly feel so out of my element, in too deep. Gladus told me I need to believe in myself, but that shit’s easier said than done.

In my entire life, there was only ever one person who believed in me like that. One person who would’ve staked his life on my goals and aspirations, because to him, I could do anything. To him, I was his whole world.

Laying there in the darkness, in a small room in a tiny hut, I feel my insides twisting in wistfulness. My heart constricts, and I want nothing more than to have his picture here with me, so I can talk to him.

I guess… I guess I could still talk to him.

The breath that leaves me right then is a shaky one, and I fold my hands over my stomach as I say, “Dad. I really wish I could talk to you right now. I’m so…” There are a million and one ways I could finish that sentence, but I go with the emotion that pushes down on me the most in this pitch-black room.

“Alone,” I whisper. “I’m alone and I don’t know what I’m doing. I fucked up everything back home. Lost my job, lost my scholarship, lost my place. I don’t know where I’d be if I was still there. If I couldn’t keep my life together there, when it was just college and work, what hope do I really have that I can do this?”

I sigh. “I have an entire kingdom depending on me right now. It sucks. I’ve never… you know I’ve never had anyone depending on me before. It’s always just been me. That’s how I wanted it, how I liked it. The world never took care of me, so I had to do it. I was on my own for so long, and now…”

Images of Laconia flash in my head. Frederick and his dad. The council. The nameless people jam-packed in the lower district because they have nowhere else to go. The orphans.

Prim.

She was the first one to believe in me. If I do anything, I do it for her.

No. For all of them.

“Now I have a city depending on me, believing in me. They’ve been through so much, lost so much—and, fuck, Icare. I actually give a shit about them, which is insane to me. They’re strangers to me and I care. How’s that for stupid? Nobody ever cared about me, except you.”

It’s funny, and not in a ha-ha sort of way, but eventually memories get fuzzy. Things get hazy. You don’t remember things like you should. That picture I had of my dad kept that day’s memories alive in my head, and now that I don’t have it with me anymore, it’s all getting blurry.

I remember the zoo. I remember my favorite animals—the lions and the tigers. I remember wanting so many pictures that I kept telling my dad ‘This’ll be the last one’ when I knew damn well it wouldn’t be. But I don’t remember what we ate for lunch. I don’t remember the car ride there. I’m starting to lose the details of that day, and the longer I’m in Laconia, the more I know I’ll lose.

“I miss you,” I whisper to the darkness. “I miss having you to talk to, having you believe in me. I wish I could ask you if you think I’m doing the right thing. Can I really do this? Can I save Laconia, or am I just wasting my time? These empresses… Prim, Frederick, they all think I’m something special, but I don’t feel special. I don’t feel like I can save anyone.”

Nothing but silence answers me.

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