Page 48 of Bright Blinding Ruin

It hurts to say that. What kind of life is it if you never love anyone? And caring for her people, for Fred and the others who were under her rule; it’s not the same. She’s still above them. When it came to my dad, she was only his equal. That’s what love should be.

“Sometimes love is an indulgence not everyone can afford,” Frederick whispers as he pulls his hands off my sides. In the next moment those hands are on either side of my face, cupping my cheeks. “Take me, for instance. Growing up with the woes, most everyone my age died. They weren’t able to make it to Laconia in time. I spent my whole life chasing after my father’s ideals, his research, knowing that, even if I could not make life better for myself, I could do it for the children. For the ones born years after the woes took hold on the land. For Prim and all of the other children who had no one else.”

At the mention of Prim, I close my eyes and remember the cheery life that bubbled out of her, even though she was an orphan, even though she had nothing to be happy about. Frederick is right. Sometimes you don’t fight for yourself. Sometimes you do it for someone else, for those who need you.

“And then you came,” Frederick goes on. “You came and changed everything. I never had hope for another life. I never thought I would have the luxury of falling in love.”

My eyelids crack open as what he’s saying dawns on me. He’s not… no. No way. He can’t be saying what I think he’s saying. I am in no way equipped to deal with things like this. Not with life or death or any emotions that are this complicated.

Since apparently both of us are inept as hell when it comes to things like this, Frederick has to say it plainly: “You. What I mean to say is I—”

Though his hands still cup my face, I dart forward and press my hand over his mouth to shut him up. I don’t… I can’t hear him say it. I just can’t. Not right now. Not when so much relies on me.

He doesn’t pull away from me, but he does give me a strange look, and I feel his mouth frowning against the palm of my hand. The hands he has cupped on my face don’t fall away; he keeps them there, as if waiting for me to be the one to pull away completely.

“Not now,” I whisper. “Just not… not now.”

I tell him not now, but honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready, if I’ll ever want to hear it. I don’t… things are just too damned complicated right now. Everything is a mess. Now isn’t the time to deal with whatever this is.

Frederick and I both drop our hands at the same time, though neither one of us gets up. We stare at each other, the air so thick with the things he still wants to say, the things I won’t let him put words to.

I open my mouth, though I don’t know what I’m supposed to say in a situation like this, but for whatever reason, I finally notice we aren’t alone. My peripherals spot someone standing three feet away, and I nearly jump out of my skin when I see him.

Frederick is startled as well. “What—” The word escapes him before he realizes who it is: his dad. “What are you… how long have you been there?” He stumbles over his words as we both get up, and it’s actually kind of cute, along with the embarrassed flush in his cheeks.

“Long enough,” Fred muses.

“So you heard—”

Fred cuts off his son with a wave of his hand, “Yes, yes, Rey is my lady’s daughter. I thought we all knew that by now?”

Frederick glances at me before saying, “What? No! No, we did not.”

“Ah, well, terribly sorry, my son, but I figured it was obvious.” Fred’s shoulders go up and down once. This next part is said to me: “I came to see what was taking so long. My son was supposed to see if you were awake and bring you out if you were. Apologies. I had no idea the two of you were so utterly awkward.”

“Awkward?” I echo. “I’m not awkward.”

Fred’s brows rise. “Are you certain? What I saw looked very awkward. Very. As in, the most awkward scene I’ve ever been witness to—which, I am aware, doesn’t say much due to the fact that I was trapped in Acadia’s dungeon for years, but—”

To stop his dad from rambling, Frederick mutters, “She’s awake.”

“Right. Yes, of course. We will get you some food, and then we will move on from this whole awkward scene. Our job isn’t done yet. You two can continue… whatever that was after Laconia is no longer subject to the whims of an ancient weapon.” Frederick doesn’t say a word more as he turns on his heel and leaves, obviously intending for us to follow him.

And we do, but not before Frederick and I share a look. His face is no longer flushed; he’s back to normal. Sort of. The way he’s looking at me makes me feel like, if I somehow manage tobeat Invictis, we will continue that conversation whether I want to or not.

Fuck. It should go without saying I don’t do well with feelings and shit. Never had time for them before. Never cared to. Now… literally everything is changing and I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with it.

Frederick takes the tiniest step toward me, his voice nothing more than a whisper when he says, “I suppose we should go after him, otherwise he might drag us both out of here by our ears.” What is probably meant as a joke is said seriously, the gravity of what he was seconds from telling me earlier still with us.

“Yeah,” I whisper. “You’re right. We should go.”

It’s not easy to, which is why it takes us another twenty or so seconds to turn and start walking. I stopped Frederick just in time, but not soon enough. Not nearly soon enough. It’s obvious as hell what he was going to say, and I just don’t know how to handle that kind of information.

Thank him? Tell him I don’t know how I feel but I wouldn’t mind kissing him again?

Ugh. See? Real feelings are stupid and complicated and right now, nothing makes sense.

Chapter Nineteen

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