Page 66 of Blood Red Woes

Frederick sighs. “I refuse to believe it, as should you. Without hope, all we’re doing is waiting to die, and I won’t spend what’s left of my life—short as it may be—waiting for death. I will do what I can when I can, and you should do the same.”

“What do you think I’ve been doing? I’ve done everything I can. You can’t ask me to do more.” Under my breath, I say, “It’s not like I asked for this.”

“No, you didn’t, but that doesn’t change reality.” He must be finished cleaning the wound, because he drops the rag into the bowl and goes for the small satchel he brought. His fingers deftly work it open, and he pulls out a pinch of some kind of powdered herb. “But we need you.” He dabs the powder into the claw wound, and I let a whimper slip out.

It’s so easy for him to say all this when he’s not the one who has all the pressure on him. It’s me. I’m the one who everyone thinks can save them. I’m the one they’re going to come to with every single problem because they think I’ll be able to help. Not Frederick.Me.

Frederick whispers, “I need you.” Those three words sound way more pleading than they have any right to be, and they cause me to look at him. He’s staring right at me, having finished dabbing some of that powdery stuff against my wound.

Kissing him was nice, yeah, but that’s just it. Nice. There was no fire. No passion. It wasn’t enough, like only half of me was in that kiss, like I just wanted to be touched because of how alone I’ve been.That’s not fair to me or him.

Maybe I’m too in my head, still too pissed at him for lying to me to get me to do what he wanted.

“I remember seeing you in the conclave, when they first announced you,” Frederick goes on as he grabs the bandage to wrap up my injury. “You were so defiant. So… steadfast in your beliefs. You brought up surviving a shadowstorm as if it was nothing. No one really believed you then. I was skeptical, too—but that’s when I first felt it.”

“First felt what?”

He wraps a bandage around my arm, moving slowly, in no hurry to stop being so close to me. His answer is a single word, and it shouldn’t surprise me since he’s brought it up before: “Hope.”

Whatever he put on my wound seems to be working. It doesn’t sting anymore. Must be some kind of natural pain-reliever. My eyebrows furrow as I ask him, “I thought you had hope?”

He finishes with the bandage, and then sets his hands in his lap. “I do now, but before… I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t. I’ve lived here almost my whole life, and things never changed forthe better. I lost my father, then my mother… and I didn’t even have it the worst. Seeing you, hearing your story, reminded me of what having hope is like.”

Frederick goes on, “I refuse to go back to the way I was. I won’t do it. These people need me. The city needs me. It also needs you. Maybe you’re not an empress… but maybe you are. Maybe you need to believe in yourself a bit more, Rey.”

I finally look away. I don’t say anything to him, either, and it makes him sigh and stand. He gathers everything and tells me, “Why don’t you try to get some sleep, hmm? I’ll come to check on you in the morning.”

My eyes stay fixed on my lap as he walks away, and only when I’m relatively alone do I let out the sigh I’ve been holding. I’m not one who gives up, it’s true, but if I say I believe in myself, I don’t know if it’s true.

Do I? Do I have faith in myself, or do I think that if I keep at things, someday things’ll eventually work out? My main goal in life has been to survive, to work to have a better future for myself, but the whole time, I felt like I was trying to be something I’m not. A liar. A pretender.

I’m nobody. I have nobody. Being here, in a place plagued by the woes, I’m reminded of that every damn day. It’s hard. Fuck, it’s so hard.

I do the only thing I can: I lay back on the bed and close my eyes. At this point, I don’t know how much worse things can get, but, really, I’ve seen enough movies to know that just by thinking something like that, I’m fucked.

Chapter Twenty-One

I dream of blackness, pure and sweet, a darkness that seeks to devour all. It is angry, it is vengeful, it is everything it should’ve always been, and it wants me. It’s not the first time I’ve felt it reaching out to me, to the dark corners of my mind while I’m trapped in dreamland, but it is the first time I almost let it in.

Almost.

“Rey, are you still asleep?” Frederick’s voice brings me out of my dream, and I moan as I force myself to sit up.

“Ugh, what time is it?” I wipe at my eyes, trying to blink away the grogginess, but it remains. My arm is sore, and if I move it a certain way, it hurts, but I’m mostly okay, so I swing my legs off the side of the bed and stand.

I was so tired I slept in my shoes. Gross.

“Nearly midday,” Frederick says. “I came earlier, but you seemed… sleep had its hold on you still, but there’s something you should see. It can’t wait.” He gestures for me to follow him, and as I do so, I see he still wears the same clothes he wore last night, and it makes me wonder if he got any sleep himself.

Through the upper district, we travel down the main street. We pass groups of people who fled the lower districts, and I spot Aolia kneeling beside a group of dirty children. When she sees me, she gives me a smile and a nod.

If she’s out, then the others must be out. I can’t wait to have Ravenno and Hazor yell at me for shit I can’t control and blame me for things that aren’t my fault.

“Where are we going?” I ask. Down the street, I see the giant wooden doors that divide the upper district with the marketplace are still closed. We make a left turn once we reach them and head down another side-street.

“The ramparts,” Frederick says with a glance in my direction. “There’s something you must see.”

If it’s something I must see, then it can’t be good.

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