Page 44 of No Ordinary Love

After I spoke to Grandma, I spent a good amount of time in self-reflection. I also talked to Jerome.

"Mama knew Amara was there, didn't she?" I asked him point blank. I knew he wouldn't lie to me, regardless of where his loyalties lay.

"Yes."

I felt sick to my stomach.

"You think she goaded me into that conversation because she wanted Amara to overhear us?"

"I have no idea. I couldn't say what is in Mrs. Covington's mind," Jerome replied without emotion.

"But you can guess."

"No matter what your mother did, you are the one who broke that poor girl's heart," Jerome stated in an unaffected voice, "You are the one who said you'll always love Miss Kath and you weren't sure how you felt about the Professor."

"You've known me all my life, Jerome. How do I feel about Amara?"

He smiled then. "I think you're smitten silly with her."

"And Kath?"

Jerome sighed, folding his arms. "You want to hear this?" he warned. When I nodded, he continued, "You and Miss Kath were toxic. When you were kids, it was okay. But there was always so much drama. You were fighting. You were making up. The family was pressuring you two to get married. You weren't ready, you were both too young."

Kath was a year younger than me, and when she turned twenty, Hugh wanted us to get engaged. I wasn't ready. I toldhim straight off that I wanted to wait. That had led to nonstop drama from my mother, Shelby, Hugh, and even Kath. I felt like history was repeating itself. Kath was available, and once again, everyone wanted us to get married. I wasstillnot ready. And this time, it had nothing to do with age but my heart.

I had been stupid, I realized. Dumb to think that I wanted Kath, that the memory of the love I had for her was the real thing. I had never been in a healthy relationship, never seen one. My parents had a fucked up marriage by all accounts—they were distant and polite, and my father had affairs left, right, and center. I'd made a studious effort to know nothing about my mother's sex life before and after my father passed away.

"I'm not in a relationship with her right now," I informed him unnecessarily.

"Everyone believes you are," Jerome countered.

I knew how it looked as I was at social events with Kath and not Amara, but officially, I was not dating Kath. The only times we'd been out had been with Shelby and Hugh and other friends, never just us. There had been no romantic dinners, no dates. She'd tried, and I'd resisted.

"What the hell is wrong with me?" I said more to myself than Jerome.

"Son," Jerome spoke patiently, "You've carried a massive load all your life. You've always laid it all down for your family, giving them everything and anything they wanted or needed. The only time you've not was when you refused to marry Kath and when you, despite Mrs. Covington's protests, stayed with the Professor. You caved under the pressure."

Like wet cardboard!

Once Amara and I moved in together, my mother and sister, Hugh, and our friends started to tell me all the ways in which she wasn't right for me, for the family.

Had I finally weakened and given in? But then again, I hadn't. I still couldn't get myself to commit to Kath, the woman I thought I always wanted.

"I thought I loved Kath."

"Do you know what loving someone means?"

I stared at him. "Yeah, Jerome, I do. I love my family. My mother. My grandmother. My sister—"

"You feel responsible for them," he cut in. "And you love them because they're your family—it wouldn't matter who they were, you'd still care for them. But the woman in your life is not predestined like parents or siblings."

"With Amara, everything was easy…except with my family and friends."

"Your so-called friends. Real friends would've respected your woman," Jerome quipped.

"I feel like a fool. Worse, a marionette who has been following instruction without any agency."

Jerome rolled his eyes. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your head out of your ass, son, so you can live your life the way you want to. You can't make anyone happy, only yourself; and the only way to do that is by being true to who you are."

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