Page 33 of No Ordinary Love

No, Tesoro, I still love you. And I can finally see it when it's too late.

When I didn't say anything, she spoke so softly that it took effort to hear all her words. "Then why did you leave me?"

"Because Kath has always been my safe choice, someone I've known most of my life," I admitted. "Being with youwas different—good, different. With you, everything wasreal,though I couldn't see it then. There were no games with you. And…," I paused as the epiphany came through, splitting me wide open, "I fucked it up because I didn't know how to be the man you needed me to be."

She was quiet for a long time, so long that I started to worry she'd fallen asleep on me; until she said, "You hurt me, Lucas. You hurt me so much."

The pain in her voice made me hate myself, because I knew I was the reason behind it. "I know." My voice was thick with regret. "I'm sorry, Amara. I'm so fucking sorry. I didn't deserve you, and I sure as hell don't deserve your forgiveness."

"I should never have texted you. I'm sorry."

"No," I cried out. "No, I'm glad you did. I'm glad…we could speak, get closure."

All lies! All my wounds were open now, bleeding.

"Did you get closure?"

"There's none for me, Amara. I don't deserve that after I hurt you."

I heard her scoff. "You're so full of shit, Lucas. You want it both ways. You want to dump me so you can be with Kath, but you also don't want me to hate you. You want me to not hurt but you don't want me to move on for you. You wanther,but your ego can't stand the idea of me being with another man."

She wasn't saying anything untrue. But that didn't mean I was aware of what I was doing until she pointed it out quite so bluntly.

"I wish we could at least be friends." It was a lame platitude, but true. If we were friends, then she'd stay in my life; I wouldn't have to miss her quite as much.

There I go again, wanting my cake and eating it too. I would marry Kath because my family and hers want me to, and I'dstay friendly with Amara so I could have a fraction of her when, truthfully, I wanted it all.

She let out a shaky breath, and I could tell she was on the verge of tears. "I don't think so, Lucas."

"I know," I said quickly, not wanting her to think I was trying to sweep everything under the rug. "But I want to try. I don't know whether you'll ever forgive me or you'll even want me in your life again, but I need you to know that I'm here for you, always."

There was another long pause, and then I heard her sigh. "I'm really drunk right now, Lucas. And I'm probably going to regret telling you this, but…I miss you too. I've been trying so hard to move on, but it's like every time I think I'm getting somewhere, you pop back into my life and mess everything up."

"I don't want to mess things up for you," I confessed earnestly.

"Goodnight, Lucas."

I stared at my phone when she hung up. All along, I'd been thinking that Kath was the easy choice, but I'd been fooling myself. Amara had been theeasychoice, the perfect one because of how she loved me and how I loved her. I wished it hadn't taken me so long to realize that.

Chapter 13

Amara

Icouldn't believe I'd drunk-texted Lucas. And not just any text—a snarky, biting message that had led to a phone call where I'd let more of my feelings slip than I wanted to.

I was embarrassed and dreading the fallout of that conversation.

If he ignored me, I'd be hurt; if he didn't, I'd feel stupid. This was a lose-lose proposition.

I managed to get through work on Monday despite feeling like total shit. My TA had to do more than his share because I was still uneasy about my conversation with Lucas.

I drove home and just sat in the driveway, my forehead resting on my steering wheel. Why had I sent that stupid message? Why had I talked to him? He'd said closure. Like hell! Now, all the wounds were open and throbbing; even the ones that were on the way to healing had been torn wide open.

I forced myself out of the car and up the path, my steps slow and reluctant. As I approached the front door, I noticed a bouquet of beautiful, soft-petaled white peonies on the porch. Their delicate fragrance reached me before I even touched them. Beside them, in a small rustic wooden box, were young lavender plants, ready to be added to the garden I'd been so carefully cultivating.

I stopped in my tracks. I knew who they were from without even looking at the card. The peonies gave Lucas away.

I picked up the envelope tucked into the bouquet, my fingers trembling slightly as I opened it.

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