Page 1 of Santa Is A Sl*t

Chapter One

NOEL

“What do you mean you’re moving?” I ask incredulously. Surely, this woman is playing a twisted joke.

Val sighs before giving me a sympathetic look. “Noel, I’ll still be in the same city as you and we’ll see each other all the time.”

I see she’s made the decision to pacify me with classic lies. Crossing my arms over my chest, I pout and mumble under my breath, “Not as much as you see dick.”

My best friend is abandoning me for her hot bosses turned boyfriends turned freaking co-inhabitants. I should have known something was up when she suggested we camp out in the living room last night to watch my favorite movies. I should have suspected bad news when she brought out the cupcakes I like from the bakery across town. And I really should have guessed she was preparing me for bad news when I woke up to the phallic-shaped donuts that she had delivered for breakfast.

I knew it was coming. Val has been dating Beau, Hart, and Romeo for almost a year. I’ve been waiting for them to ask me tohelp them pick a ring; I should have been preparing for them to steal her away for good.

Assholes.

“One more year. We can make a roomie bucket list and check things off super slowly and appreciate the deep friendship we’ve forged.” I’m bargaining with desperation despite knowing it’s a lost cause.

Val wraps her arms around me. “You’re my best friend. You’ll always be my best friend, no matter how far away I live. Luckily, I’ll be close by so we can still make that list. Just go ahead and cross off any orgies or sex dungeons.”

She’s trying to ruin all the fun today.

I don’t understand why she’s making me eliminate the best ideas considering she is pretty much the orgy queen, taking three dicks on the regular. But whatever. Some girls have all the luck.

“Fine. I guess you can go live with all your boyfriends and just leave me here to die alone. I’ll make sure to adopt some cats that will be kind enough to feed from my remains when I succumb to mortality since I’m sure you’ll still be too busy having loads of sex to check on me.”

If she was thinking I would be reasonable about this, she is dead wrong. I’ve never been even a little reasonable in my entire life and I’m not going to waste a chance to be as dramatic as possible, hoping that she’ll feel guilty enough to change her mind.

It’s a lost cause because all she does is laugh. “I’m sure I’ll continue having stupid amounts of sex with mind-blowing orgasms but I’ll always make time for you, Noel. Would you liketo continue in this pit of despair you’re digging or bitch about your boss until I have to leave?”

Val is good. As good as option number one sounds, she knows I can’t resist option two.

Ever since Scrooge McDoucheFace, also known as Nicholas, took over Santaland, we’ve put up with change after change. None of them are good changes either.

I’ve made sure to complain about him regularly to Val. A girl has to vent to her best friend so she can avoid turning her workplace into a rage room. Every time a new employee memo comes out, I think about grabbing a giant fake candy cane and shoving it up Nicholas’s ass.

“You’ve got that look on your face that normally ends in trouble. What’s going on now?” Val asks.

“Nothing new but I’m certain that will change by the time I make it into work. I was just imagining my new boss taking a candy cane up the ass courtesy of me.” It’s a nice fantasy. Maybe I’ll draw it out stick figure style and frame it.

“Lube or no lube?” she asks with a raised brow.

“I’d make an exception to my policy for him.”

“No lube, no back tube,” we say in unison. I’ve been preaching it since our college days. “I could maybe spit on it, even though it's not a sufficient replacement. If I was feeling charitable.”

Val laughs and I can’t help but smile.

I know I’ll still see her, realistically, but we’ve lived together for so much of our lives that this feels like a very serious change. It scares me and she knows it.

“I’m going to miss you, Val. So much. I am happy for you and I know those assholes love you. They’ll take care of you. But I’ll miss you.” I hold back the tears that are begging to fall.

She wraps me in another hug and I embrace her back. “I’ll miss you too, Noel.”

We spend the rest of our time in comfortable silence but I can’t help but wonder how much lonelier I’m going to feel once her things disappear from our apartment.

I don’t want to be alone.

What. A. Fucking. Twat.

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