Page 63 of Caged in Flames

Chapter Twenty Eight

The video chat with Dr. Grace starts and I take a deep breath. We have so much to talk about and while there’s some good mixed in, I have to come clean about my episode. And that I didn’t call for her help.

I’d rather confess to Dr. Grace than my mom though.

Her hair is a mix of gray and blonde flowing past her shoulders. She answers the call with a smile. "It's my favorite pal!"

"It's the good doctor!" I say with a big smile.

It’s a strange change of pace to start a therapy session with a smile.

"Alright, let's get right to it then, Nix. Tell me, how is school going?"

For the next hour, I purge everything that has happened since our last chat. She listens, nodding along and jotting down notes.

I cringe when I tell her about the Brett incident, but I’m in tears as I admit last week’s breakdown.

There are some happier points, like letting her know about my progress in making more of an effort in my friendship with Jane.

I don't gloss over any details of what has happened with everyone in my life these days. When I'm done, she takes a second to just stare at me.

It's unnerving, until her serious expression fades into a smile.

"I am so proud of you." I'm shocked. I expected to be told I was an idiot for spending any time at all with the guys. Or for her to ask if I'm taking my meds. I thought she'd reprimand me for not calling during my low.

Anything but proud.

"I mean it, Nix. Forgiveness is hard. I'm not saying that you have forgiven them, but it seems like you might finally be forgiving yourself. That's the most difficult thing to do in treatment. You have to let go of the hate you harbor inside. You've been progressing over the last year, but this is a major breaking point."

She’s right. I’ve been caught up in how I feel about the guys and everything going on there, that I haven’t noticed how little hate I’ve been harboring for myself lately.

Sure, I hit a speedbump, but there’s still progress in it.

There are tears in my eyes as she continues, "I have watched you struggle with your past. Even with what those boys did, your hate always stemmed from yourself. For being too weak. For being too vulnerable. For being too alone. You're finally growing past that. I'm not saying to move on, but it's time to move forward."

I nod at her. Everything she’s saying is true. I can still move forward. Whether it’s with the guys in my life or just coexisting among them with less animosity between us, there’s still a way to move along.

"That said, because you've taken on so many new relationships at once, along with school, and the pressure of your audition...I think we should start meeting once a week through the end of the calendar year."

What? But she just said I was doing better.

"I thought I was doing better. Why would that mean more therapy?" I voice my thoughts to her. I'm not angry at this, but I am confused.

"I want to make sure you stay on top of this progress. You hit a rough patch last week, and while that’s normal, I want to make sure our communication stays open.” She gives me a sympathetic smile before continuing. “They don't have to be for long. Not even a half hour. But I think it’s a good idea to have more regular chats as you take new paths on your journey."

I guess it makes sense, so I agree to check in with her every week going forward.

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