Page 59 of Caged in Flames

“You...you were supposed to be different.” This time I stop and point at him. “You were light. And pure. Sure, maybe you’re a little fucked up too, but not like me. You gave me balance. Peace. Calm.”

I’m definitely not calm right now. I round the table in the middle of the room and swipe my arm over everything on it. A picture frame crashes and the noise of something shattering that isn’t me brings some relief. It felt good.

Maybe that’s why the guys did what they did. Why Charlie didn’t stop the torture in Sophomore year.

It feels refreshing.

So, I keep going. “What I felt with you wasn’t the stupid love stories I read about. It was so much more. Stop throwing the word love out there like that.”

This time, I kick the couch. It doesn’t really move, so I look for my next target.

Jude’s loud exhale draws my attention his way.

Walking right up to him, I place my hands on his chest and push. He doesn’t put up a fight. My palms hit him again and again until he’s against the wall. My finger jabs into his chest over and over.

“You dirtied that up though. You made me dirty. It was all a figment of my imagination. So, no. You don’t get to pretend with me anymore. You don’t get to say you loved me. Love shouldn’t stop.”

My energy is waning. I start to feel the crash coming, but there’s too many thoughts taking over my head to calm down. Making my way to the couch, I sit down. I have to calm the storm raging inside my head, but it’s a downpour and I’m left without an umbrella. The tears are starting now.

I mean it though. Love shouldn’t have an end. If it ends, then it never was. Why don’t people understand that? You can’t make a promise of love as a form of affection. Love has to be stronger than something that can have a past tense. It’s your soul calling out to another in possession. Wrapping your hearts up with impenetrable string until they can seek each other no matter how far apart.

I can’t breathe. My lungs aren’t working anymore. A hand claws at my chest. My heart is pounding and it’s all I can hear now.

I’ve kept this in for so long that these ugly feelings have festered into a toxic substance deep in my bones. My chest is heaving as if it can’t take the weight of these emotions coursing through me. It can’t. I’m not strong enough.

Jude approaches me slowly, but there’s determination in his steps. Staring at his feet is much easier than trying to meet his eyes after my tantrum.

I see him crouch down. He doesn’t touch me, but he gets close enough that I can feel his breath hit my nose. The smell of spearmint toothpaste reminds me I haven’t even brushed my teeth. I lean a little further back and hope that my morning breath isn’t too awful today.

“It isn’t pretend. It never was.” He means it, the force of the words slam into me, but I’m too far gone to care. "Tell me what I can do to fix this."

"You can't fix the past. You can't go back. There isn't a fucking undo button for hurting someone." I'm shouting again. My hands are pressed so hard against my face, I'm likely giving myself a black eye.

Jude drops to the ground in front of me. "Blue, stop. Don't do that. Breathe with me. Please, breathe with me, baby blue." His voice is desperate. Begging.

I listen to him. I take deep breaths and soon, I take my hands away from my face and look into his eyes.

"There you go." He smiles at me. I give him a small smile back. "That's it."

Then he sits beside me on the couch and surprises me by scooping me into his lap. I feel like a child being cradled by a parent, but it brings me the comfort I need. His arms are tight around me.

"That's it," he repeats. “Baby blue, when I went along with Charlie’s plans...I had no idea that I’d fall so far for you. I didn’t just break your heart. I broke mine too. Never going to do it again. I’ll never let anyone else hurt you again either.”

I like his words. I just don’t know if I can trust them. I nod a little to show I’m listening to him.

He smiles against the side of my hair and kisses my forehead. "Now, let me start a new path by saying that I am going to earn a place in your life. I will do it, Blue. Starting now. I will never again hurt you. I promise."

He keeps making promises until I drift asleep. I only wake when he lifts me and lays me in bed. I know he lays with me and holds me for a while, because when I wake again, he's trying to get up without disturbing me.

"I have a surprise for you. You can sleep for a little bit longer and then wash the day off with a shower, alright?" Jude’s voice stays tender. Too scared he’ll wake the beast that was attacking him just moments ago most likely. There’s an easy affection in it that brings me a little peace.

When he leans down and kisses me on the lips, I don’t pull back. It’s soft and over before I can think too hard on it. Even though I’ve barely begun to scrape the barrel of my feelings, and I know I’m still healing from the scars they’ve all left on my heart, it feels right.

---