Page 10 of Caged in Flames

Chapter Five

Watching Diana walk away from us stirs up a long-festered pain. She said she isn't Diana anymore. Phoenix fits her so much better. The number of times a day that my thoughts wander to her...

My parents were furious when they found out what the boys and I had done to her. They only knew a portion of the hell storm we reigned down.

Charlie insisted she had to go. Sawyer and I listened. There was no way we could have predicted how far things would go.

“Charlie, if you’re planning another war, I’m out. I won’t do shit to hurt that girl ever again.” I look him right in the eyes to show him how serious I am.

I really wish she had been wearing that jacket over her arms instead of around her waist. As if seeing her wasn’t bad enough, the sight of the scars gracing her wrists sends a shocking pain through my chest.

“Relax, Jay. I have no interest in going back to that military school." He rolls his eyes like it was just an inconvenience to relocate for an entire year. "Richard and my mom still barely look at me. I thought I’d enjoy the extra privacy, but I feel like a reprimanded little boy.” I know he couldn't give a fuck about his mom, but not having Richard around hurts him more than he's letting on.

Sawyer has been noticeably quiet, and when I look over and raise an eyebrow in question, he shakes his head out of whatever memory he’s living in. “Guys, what about Gunner?”

“What about him, Sawyer?” Charlie seems irritated by the question. I know Sawyer and Gunner have gotten close over the last few weeks, and sure as shit Charlie knows.

But Sawyer just shakes his head. “I don’t know what Gunner’s learned from her. I doubt that he will give a shit what we have to say.”

I scoff. I don’t even give a shit what any of us could say. What we put that girl through...fuck. It wasn't right.

Charlie and Sawyer have been my best friends since grade school. Since that dickhead Tommy tried to leave Charlie out of the kickball game just because he was new to the school and didn't reek of money. Sawyer and I were sick of Tommy's shit, anyways.

He never let either of us be Captain of the other team so that we would be stuck on his team. Sawyer pushed the bully to the ground threatening to dunk his head in the toilet, and I said anyone who played kickball on Tuesdays was a loser.

After that, we were the bullies. It was just easier that way. Well, easy for us, not so much anyone who got in our way.

I was happy we made the call, especially when Charlie told us bits and pieces about his childhood before he moved here. We still don't know all the details about what caused the shadows in his eyes, but whatever happened still haunts him through his nightmares.

The first time we convinced my mom to let the three of us have a sleepover weekend, Charlie woke me up thrashing and whining in his sleep. Sawyer had heard it too. Since then, it was an unspoken agreement that we would do anything for him. We were only eight.

It's easy to go along with shit that makes him happy to try and make up for the things that follow him even when he should be dreaming.

I take another look at my friends. From the outside, we are all different personalities that shouldn't mesh well. Sawyer is the ultimate manwhore, chasing attention because he needs it. Charlie thrives when he's in control. Of everything around him.

Me? I'm quiet, but that means my words mean more when I use them. That's why I save them for people that mean something to me.

Sometimes it seems like we are just strangers who are forged of convenience. That isn't the case though. After nine months apart, nine months in different schools, nine months of my own self-reflection, I still love these guys just as fiercely. I’d do almost anything for them.

At least I would have a year ago.

Hurting Diana now would feel like destroying the last clean bit of my soul. I don’t quite like myself anymore, if I ever did. I won’t ever hurt that girl again. I know that with everything I am.

“I’ll check in with you guys later. I’ve got to meditate and chill the fuck out. You can join if you want, but I can’t deal with this shit right now.”

I was lucky. My mom believed in spiritual healing and homeschooling as a punishment. I spent my time away from Blisshaven with a bunch of yogi hippies cleansing my blackened and broken heart. It’s not like I’ve earned any type of redemption. There’s only one person who could grant me that. But I don't hate waking up and having to be Jude quite as much.

Something tells me that isn't going to last long if I have to see my biggest regret walk around campus. I can taste the toxicity in the air, following me.

Fuck this. I needed to smoke some fucking green and check the storm of emotions brewing inside me. When I get to my room, I pull out a pre-rolled joint. I grab the light I found at a rundown gas station last month, the color vivid in my memories. A shade I haven’t seen in far too long.

Everything about her is different. I remember the first time I saw her up close. From a distance, there wasn’t really anything special about her. But then I saw her eyes, a brilliant blue I’d never seen in any masterpiece before.

Those are gone now, too. I don’t know why I’m surprised. I was there the day that color faded away into nothing. Just a void of color...

Lighting up, I look forward to the high awaiting me. As I inhale and then exhale the smoke, the one thought still invading my mind is that no matter how much fire was in her tone today, those eyes are still gray.

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