Page 60 of Christmas with my Three Best Friends

I unravel and start sobbing uncontrollably, rolling on my side as Cassandra puts her coffee down and comes over to hold me close. I let it out—the pain, the longing, the agony of their absence. “I miss them so much. I just… I just wanna drive back to Seattle and tell them how I feel.”

“You could do that,” she says softly, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear.

“I’m a coward, Cass. I don’t have the courage to do it. All I do is push them away and then wallow in my own loneliness. It’s pathetic.”

“It’s a natural defense mechanism. You are choosing a familiar form of discomfort in lieu of a new one, a much scarier one,” she reminds me. “We’re used to the traumas that resemble what we’ve already lived through. New traumas force us to face something new, and it’s scary. You know the saying, right?”

“Better the devil you know?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Better the sadness I already know. Better the misery I’ve become accustomed to. The very awfulness I thought I’d healed from. It’s more familiar, it’s somehow easier to handle than something new—telling Marius, Jax, and Richard I’ve come to love them deeply and I’m carrying their child. Because ultimately, that’s what this is, this unexpected pregnancy. Any one of them could be the father, and they’d all be just as important to me.

25

Jax

Ihaven’t seen Shay in more than a week. I’m not used to her not being around here. She’s an integral part of West Key, much like Richard and Marius. A prolonged absence may be justified in one way or another, but it doesn’t make any of this better. It certainly doesn’t make me feel better.

Hell, who am I kidding? I’m fucking miserable without her.

I haven’t slept properly in several nights. I toss and turn, thinking about Shay and about how it all went wrong. I could probably pinpoint the wrong turns if I go through everything with a fine-toothed comb, but I barely have enough energy to get myself through the day. My clients need me, and the gym needs me now more than ever, with Richard leaving.

I’m mad at him for doing this. Shay did warn us. Marius and I suspected it might go this way. Deep down, I think we all knew he might pull out eventually. It doesn’t make him a bad friend. It doesn’t even make him a bad business partner. His decisions are reasonable and easily justified. It just doesn’t make me feel any better. I don’t know how we’ll succeed without him. The gym is so close to getting out of the murky waters. With a little bit of luck, it could start turning a profit in the summer. But Richard was always the business brain behind the operation.

Sitting in his office, I flip through Shay’s marketing proposal once again. I know Richard hasn’t seen it because he hasn’t been in yet, but I also know he’s coming by today. I asked him to meet me here after I saw the document Shay left behind. It’s brilliant. She’s a brilliant woman, and I worry we might be losing her, too. She came up with a whole new nutrition program for absolute beginners, the kind of folks who struggle to give up their disastrous eating habits.

Once again, Shay manages to make me fall even deeper in love with her without even being here. I shake my head as my heart hurts in her absence. Marius doesn’t know where she is, and she didn’t tell me, either. Just that she’s somewhere in Canada with Cassandra. It’s all the information we have, and it’s not enough. I have a mind to head up there myself to see her, but where would I go? How would I find her?

The door opens, and I expect to see Richard come in as I turn my head to greet him. But it’s Alice with a fresh cup of coffee for me. “Hey,” I mumble, sounding downright disappointed.

“Hey, handsome. Thought you could use a pick-me-up,” she says, hips swaying as she leaves the coffee on Richard’s desk, then turns around to face me and smile seductively. “How’ve you been?”

“Good, thanks.”

I try to keep our conversations neutral after the last time she hit on me, but I’ve got a feeling she came in for round two. I’m nowhere in the right mood for this—not that I’d accept her advances, but I may say some pretty hurtful things I might later regret. Unfortunately, Alice has an itch that needs scratching as she inches closer, purposely brushing the knuckles of my right hand with her thigh.

“You look particularly good in green, did I ever tell you that?” she asks, her voice low and sweet as she bites her lower lip.

“It’s just a T-shirt, Alice. But thanks.”

She leans into my hand on the armrest. It’s making my blood boil. There’s so much already swirling through my head. I have no energy left for this nonsense, and I don’t understand why she simply can’t take the hint. Maybe she’s perfectly aware but simply pushing the limits, likely wondering where I’ll draw another line.

“We both know it’s more than just a T-shirt when you’re wearing it,” Alice purrs, then slowly bends in to bring her lips closer to mine. “Did you know we have an office supply room with a lock on the door? The key’s in my pocket.”

“Are you serious right now?”

“Come on, Jax. I see you watching me,” she says, inching even closer. It’s making me feel uneasy.

In the past, long before my heart set on Shay, long before I lost myself inside her, I probably wouldn’t have refused the advances of a mindless tart like Alice. I probably would’ve had some fun. Not anymore. My body isn’t even responding to her presence with anything other than awkward repulsion.

“And you know I’ve got a thing for bad boys who can throw a punch. Why don’t we see what could happen if we went into that supply room? Just the two of us.”

“Alice, do you realize what you’re doing here?”

“Stating the obvious. You know you’re into me. I’m into you. Why not give it a shot?”

“Just because I’m nice to you doesn’t mean I want to screw you,” I reply bluntly.

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