Page 54 of Christmas with my Three Best Friends

“I just told them.”

Oh, great.So, right after they found out Richard is backing out of the gym, they walked in on Vincent practically proposing to me for the second time, while I didn’t say a frickin’ thing. Maybe I’m the villain in my story. I messed up and then some through my lack of action, my wavering resolve. It’s shameful and infuriating… I wonder, am I even entitled to feel angry with Richard about this? Still, I can’t help it.

“You’re a coward, you know that?” I tell him.

Richard’s left eyebrow pops up. “Excuse me?”

“This could’ve worked. All you had to do was have a little more faith in us. In me. Instead, you wanted me to come with you to the new place. You wanted to break up the band. And you succeeded. I can’t believe you, Richard. After two years of working so closely together…”

“Shay, I really can’t repeat myself on this matter. You already know where I stand, and you’re a highly intelligent and capable woman, perfectly capable of understanding my business prerogative.”

“What about your personal prerogative, huh? You’ve let us drift apart. The four of us. I may not have been the best girlfriend and I may have been overwhelmed by outside factors, but dammit, Richard, you were supposed to be the glue that kept us together,” I snap, shifting the blame over to him. “I believed in you and in your promises of a great future with West Key. You promised we’d never let each other slip away, that we’d fight everything together, through thick and thin.”

“I’m sorry, Shay. I really am.”

His subtle frown tells me he’s being honest. But my heart is breaking, and I can’t accept a measly apology.

“Sorry doesn’t cut it,” I say. “I have to ask, though… Is this what you do with every single project in your life? If a business doesn’t deliver the desired results, do you just drop it and move on to the next? Is this what you do with your friends, too? If one of them disappoints you or does something wrong, do you just throw them in the bin and make new ones?”

“No, Shay, I don’t—”

“What about women? Girlfriends, I mean. Do you just chuck ‘em and move on to the next one?”

“No, it’s not—”

“Because that’s what it looks like from where I’m sitting. And I know we agreed to keep our naughty stuff strictly physical, but watching you now makes me realize that even if I want more from it, from the four of us, I wouldn’t be able to get it since you’ve already got one foot out the door.”

There it is. The harsh truth I’ve been mulling over. The doubt spoken aloud. I’ve fallen for a man who isn’t really here. I’d found balance in our foursome, I’d found a special kind of love in Chappaqua, and part of me had hoped we might be able to grow something out of it back here in Seattle. Part of me had dreamed of that impossible kind of love story where we could be happy and become a weird and complex family where I felt safe and adored three times over. What a fool I was to think it might actually work. All I got was a ton of heartache.

I can’t help but remember the precise moment when I asked myself: what is there for me to lose if I go ahead with this? Well, I’ve got my answer, and it stings.

“Shay, I know I’ve let you down where West Key is concerned, but our personal dynamic is another conversation altogether,” Richard says, one hand resting on the edge of his desk. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to talk about that when you’re this upset, though.”

“Why? Are you afraid you’re gonna set me off? Do I seem unstable to you?”

“No, but—”

“Oh, spare me,” I retort and get up, anger coursing through me like incandescent lava. “You’re the one fucking it all up, and I’m supposed to just sit here and be calm and considerate about it. No, Richard, that’s not how any of this works. You’re leaving, and that’s all there is to it.”

He stands up, visibly worried. “That doesn’t mean we’re not friends anymore. It doesn’t mean we’re not together anymore.”

“Right, because what works really well in an already fragile and complex relationship like ours? Resentment. Disappointment. Feeling abandoned as you go on to sow greener pastures while the rest of us are left behind to try and keep this ship from crashing into the rocks.”

I head for the door. He wants to say something, but I can’t hear it anymore. I walk out, the blood boiling in my veins and the tears stinging my eyes. With everything that’s happened here lately, I can’t even fathom sticking around for another minute. I need the cold air of winter to fill my lungs and filter my thoughts, so I grab my bag and keys and leave.

21

Richard

The truth has a way of taking its sweet time before it really kicks in. I thought I knew what I was doing, and I was certain they’d understand.

When I told Marius and Jax about my plans for a new gym, I saw the disappointment in their eyes. I heard the anger in their voices. But they were calm and gracious about it. They said they understood. Of course, they’re not under any obligation to agree with my intentions or decisions, but still, I’d hoped for some kind of support. Our friendship runs deep. After all, it runs deep enough that we’re comfortable with one another, at peace with one another while sharing a woman the three of us are equally enthralled with.

Except it doesn’t work out that smoothly in the real world. Shay’s reaction makes more sense now than it did earlier when she walked out of my office, tears glistening in those beautiful smoky blue eyes. I hate that I hurt her. It wasn’t my intention. I’d hoped she’d join me on this new endeavor, but that was selfish on my part.

I’m used to walking away. She was right on the money with that. I’ve always got one foot out the door because it’s what I do. I drop everything like hot potatoes and move on because I’m so used to starting over. I prefer it to actually sticking around and fighting for anything. My biggest problem now is I feel I’ve lost too much for the sake of starting over.

Jax and Marius are still my best friends. They will eventually get over the dismay they’re feeling in this moment, they will eventually see what I’m trying to do. But Shay… Shay won’t let me off the hook easily, and I don’t deserve to be let off the hook, anyway. I don’t. The minute things started to get complicated, my eyes were on the door, searching for a way out. It’s such a wretched instinct. It used to help me in the past, but the present is something else entirely, and the future… I should have a say in that. I should be able to choose a different path.

---