Page 50 of Christmas with my Three Best Friends

“Does he seem fundamentally different from what you remember?”

“Not really. His eyes still make me uneasy, sometimes,” I say, going over my more recent encounters with Vincent. He texts me once in a while, but I always leave him on read. I can’t exactly avoid him at the gym, however. He’s a paying customer, and I do have to work there, so bumping into him is more or less inevitable. “He still likes to brag about his new car and the new workplace… He’s trying hard to impress me, but I’m not sure he means well. It feels like a calculated act.”

“At best, he may try to sugarcoat himself in order to get you to buy into this supposed new persona of his. But if your instinct is telling you he isn’t safe, then he isn’t safe. If there’s one thing I urge you to keep in mind, Shay, it’s that your instinct is rarely wrong, especially in the case of a man who has already hurt you. Deeply.”

“Why do I keep revisiting the past, then?”

“Do you miss the times you had with him?”

“I miss how the good moments felt.”

“Is it because of your perceived troubles with Jax, Marius, and Richard? Have you considered the possibility that maybe your brain is trying to trick you into revisiting better feelings from the past because the present ones make you uncomfortable?”

I give Cassandra a broad, cold grin. “My girl, you’re on a devastating roll this morning, have I told you that? You keep kicking me in the teeth with these questions…”

“Only because you keep asking for it,” she replies.

It’s time for me to concede that she is definitely on to something here. The questions aren’t senseless nor poorly aimed. She knows what she’s doing, and I thinkIcan finally see the truth. Closing my eyes for a few seconds, I surprise myself with the silence currently swelling through my mind. Clarity was never so close to my reach before.

“I think I know the conclusion here,” I tell her.

“Go on. I’m all ears.”

“I’m in love with three men, and I know it’s going to fail between us because, well, obviously… A relationship can’t work in the long term between one woman and three men, right?”

Cassandra shrugs slightly. “Maybe, maybe not. You never know, Shay.”

“Come on, let’s be realistic here. Especially since the four of us are also friends and business partners,” I say. “It’s doomed. It was doomed from the moment I let them get close. Going to Chappaqua was a huge mistake.”

It’s tearing me apart to say these words aloud.

“Whatever happens, you decide what you’re going to do for yourself. Relationship-wise, business-wise, anything-wise. You decide what is best for you and that’s what you do,” Cassandra says. And she’s right.

One way or another, I will find my way back to the light. For now, however, I sit in silence with a mixture of contradicting emotions, doing my best to process everything and to make sure I’m never broken by anyone or anything ever again.

19

Marius

Iknow Roxanne wants to get back together.

This isn’t even her first attempt. I’ve let her back in before. This time, however, it’s different. Our relationship, as rocky and as toxic as it was, took up space in my life, and that time wasn’t exactly wasted. I’ve learned plenty from that hot mess, and I know never to return to places where I am surely going to get hurt again. Besides, my mind, my heart, and my body belong to Shay. I can’t get her out of my head, even during these difficult times.

The tension between us is unbearable, and I don’t yet know how to navigate these murky waters. Shay deserves the best of me, the best ofus. There are moments when I feel like I’ll never be good enough for her, yet I can’t fathom the thought of letting her go, of losing her. And I know Jax and Richard feel the same way. We’ve fallen in love. Deeply. We will never be able to bounce back from this.

Sitting on one of the sofas in the reception area, I rummage through my laptop for some workout plans for new clients. Business is starting to pick up, but nowhere near as fast as we need. Richard is already looking into another gym, which leaves Jax and Shay and me to pick up the pieces with this one. I’m disappointed, but I also understand where he’s coming from. Most importantly, I understand his way of thinking, and I can’t be mad at him. It’s still a tough pill to swallow though.

Shay is seated at another table next to mine, going over a nutrition plan with a client. I have a hard time looking away from her, even when she’s in her gym shorts and oversized gray tee.

I love how patient she is, explaining the technical side of the nutrition plan in a way that actually makes sense. Shay understood the assignment since before she came into the gym. She did her research on top of her college studies, she spoke to other nutritionists and fitness trainers, and she delved deeply into scientific studies until she had a clear image of what she wanted for herself. It still amazes me that she has this ability to absorb so much information, only to repackage it into simpler terms for the layman.

I’m reading through a training plan while eavesdropping on their conversation. I could get involved, but I don’t like interrupting Shay during her client meetings, just like she keeps her distance when I’m in mine.

Roxanne waltzes in wearing short, lime green shorts and a skimpy white top, gym bag on her shoulder and a bright smile on her face. “Hey, Marius,” she calls, her voice sweet. “Ready for our training session?”

“Hey, Roxanne,” I reply politely. I can feel Shay stealing glances at us, but I can’t do a thing. I can’t say anything. “I’ll be ready in a few minutes, but you can go in and get started on your warm-up.”

I’ve only recently accepted her as a new client for one-on-one sessions—Roxanne insisted, and Shay said we could use the extra money. No argument there, but it’s putting me in a tough spot, especially since Roxanne is shamelessly hitting on me. She bends over the coffee table in order to get closer to me and in order for me to see her cleavage underneath the small top she’s wearing over the tight sports bra.

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