Page 49 of Christmas with my Three Best Friends

“Why not?”

“Because I got mad and needed some space.”

“How do you feel about Jax, now?”

More tears coming, but I wipe them away with the back of my hand. I’m determined not to shed another drop for this. I’ve already cried myself to sleep twice in the past few days. My heart is wide open and bleeding, and the worst part is I’m pretty sure I’m at least partially responsible for this situation. It’s a hard pill to swallow.

“I love him,” I tell Cassandra. “And I know he’s always had trouble settling down. When I saw him with Alice, I thought he was tempted to go back to his old habits, but now I’m beginning to realize I may have overreacted and ultimately… I may have pushed him away.”

“And what about Marius?”

I let a heavy sigh roll from my chest. “Roxanne keeps hovering around him. She’s started coming in right when my training sessions with him are supposed to begin. She’s being friendly but not-so-subtly aggressive toward me. She’s trying to reestablish a certain degree of intimacy with Marius.”

“What does Marius do?”

“He’s nice and professional like he always is.” I’m close to sobbing, now.

Cassandra gives me a moment to pull myself together before she speaks. “You told him to take Vincent on as a client because you need more sales at the gym,” she says after a while. “Wouldn’t it make sense that he’s doing the same thing with Roxanne? Tolerating her to help the business?”

“It’s exactly what he’s doing, but I’m being a paranoid idiot.”

“You are not a paranoid idiot.”

I give her a look. “I sure feel like one.”

“You know as well as I do there are certain kinds of traumas we never heal from. We can only learn to live with them. We can only learn ways to not let them define us and our future relationships. It doesn’t mean we don’t get triggered once in a while.”

“So, what, I’m triggered? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Yes, Shay. You got triggered. Your abandonment syndrome is all over the place, and you are actively pushing the men you love away. I assume you love Marius, too.”

“More than anything,” I exhale sharply. It does feel good to say it out loud. “I love all three in equal measure, Cass. I think I’ve felt this way for a long time, but once we took our dynamic into the sexual realm, everything changed. Everything became… amplified.”

“Do you feel overwhelmed?”

“I think so.”

“But not by the external factors.”

“No. I think it’s my own feelings, the idea of being in love with three men at the same time.” I pause and give her a wry smile. “Shit, maybe youshouldbemy therapist.”

Cassandra laughs. “You’re reaching the right conclusions on your own. I’m just asking the questions.”

I nod and run my fingers through my hair, giving myself another moment of silence and deep breathing as the whole picture of my life comes back into focus. “So because I’m in love with all three, I’m overwhelmed by the reality and the intensity of these emotions. And because it’s such a strange and fragile relationship, I perceive every factor coming in from the outside as a wrench aimed right at my wheels. Even if it’s not. Even if it’s just a pebble.”

“Sounds about right to me.”

“Me too. And that’s why I’m withdrawing, why I’m pushing them away. It’s not because I was irked by Alice’s advances toward Jax, per se. Or Roxanne’s return. Or Richard’s decision to try his hand at another gym business. It’s because I’m perceiving each of these issues as definite threats to my emotional wellbeing because I’m in love with them and don’t want to lose any of them.”

“And what about Vincent?”

That requires another minute’s worth of thinking. It’s a simple but troubling question which I’ve yet to answer for myself. “There’s no love left there, not on my end, at least. Yet I keep remembering what it was like. There are times when the good memories outweigh the bad, and I start to doubt myself and my decision to keep my distance from him.”

“How has he been toward you?” Cassandra asks.

It’s clear from the tone of her voice that she hates his guts. More than once, my best friend has expressed a desire to rip his head clean off. But her professionalism is greater than her personal dislike of the man who ultimately broke my heart—the very heart I’m trying and failing to protect now.

“Calm and friendly. Humble, in a way, which is very unlike him.”

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