Page 42 of Christmas with my Three Best Friends

I should push her away, but my body won’t move. It’s not an attraction, I’m not interested in her. No, it’s my own doubt and insecurity regarding our relationship with Shay that’s messing with my senses. I’m hesitant in my response, even though every nerve cell in my brain is screaming at me to move back, to put some distance between us.

Alice giggles as she tries to wrap her arms around me, flirting outrageously. As if summoned by fate to smack me in the face, Shay walks out of the gym, pink-cheeked and sweating from her treadmill workout. She sees us, and whatever good humor she had until now is instantly gone.

The devastated look on her face has me reeling as I push Alice away. “I said no,” I growl and point at the keys still scattered across the reception desk. “You’ve got work to do, Alice, and so do I.”

“Okay, fine, Mr. Grumpy,” she scoffs and takes her seat, barely noticing Shay as she walks past us.

“Hold on, Shay.” I try to catch up with Shay, but she waves me away.

“I’m busy,” she says.

I hear the anger in her voice. I feel the disappointment. All it took was a moment of hesitation to further disrupt the balance between us. Naturally, I feel terrible. Unworthy. An absolute moron for not pushing Alice away immediately. It was bad enough that I’ve been constantly thinking about our business and its chances of success, about Richard’s inconsistency on the matter, about Chappaqua…

How could it ever work between us in the long term? Shay was right. I was used to being on my own, never settling down with anybody and just focusing on my career and my passions. I was used to living alone, my heart completely unattached. Now, however, there’s a string connecting my soul to hers, and the future isn’t looking as bright as it did a couple of weeks ago. I’m not sure where we’re headed, but maybe implementing that whole naughty list of hers was a bad idea, after all.

16

Shay

After yesterday’s episode with Jax and Alice, I thought I’d gotten my own insecurities under control. I’m not the jealous type, I never was. But when I see women hanging around the men I’m with, I can’t stop myself from feeling inadequate and insufficient. I’m foolish enough to compare myself to them, and at the same time I seem to have enough reason in me to at least be aware that I’m wrong in this approach.

It doesn’t soothe the ache in my heart, though.

Jax has called me a couple of times, but I rejected his calls. I respond to his messages with simple and neutral replies. I pretend to be busy with nutrition plans and client consultations, sneaking in and out of the gym to avoid talking to him, to Richard, even to Marius. Something is definitely happening between us. I can feel the glue that once held us so tightly together drying up. I can feel us falling apart, and I don’t know how to stop it.

Determined to stick to my own daily structure, however, I change into my gym clothes and head for the weight room. I’ll need new tights and workout gear soon as my body continues with its remodeling process. I’m building muscle and burning more fat, making my curves look enticingly athletic and ridiculously appealing—I never thought I’d get myself to such a level. It’s thrilling and exciting but also feels hollow.

How did I end up feeling so lonely with three men? I feel deeply for each of them, but the uncertainty and the more recent developments in all aspects of our lives have added unnecessary tension and discomfort. It’s making me doubt myself, especially in light of these growing emotions.

The weight room isn’t very busy at this hour. I spot three of Marius’s clients working on the machines, but Marius isn’t talking to them.

Instead, he’s talking to Roxanne. I didn’t think she’d be here at this hour. I’m pretty sure she’s supposed to be at work. But there she is giggling and throwing her long black hair over one shoulder as she talks to Marius by the leg press. What irks me the most is how bright and full of laughter Marius is. Whatever their conversation is about, they both seem to be enjoying it. I shake the bitterness away and take a deep breath.

I shouldn’t let this affect me. It’s hard to smile, though, as I walk over to them. It’s my training hour with Marius, so I belong here. I’m Shay. I’m the woman Marius prefers to spend his time with. He has already assured me there’s nothing for me to worry about regarding Roxanne. Why the hell is she here?

Then it dawns on me as I reach them. She’s doing it on purpose. She must’ve figured out my training schedule with Marius.

“Hey,” I manage.

When he hears my voice does Marius turn around. His eyebrows go up, and he gives me a warm, sweet smile. For a moment, I’m tempted to relax, to ease myself into the moment, but Roxanne is like a dark shadow hanging over his broad shoulders.

“Good morning, Shay,” she says.

“Hey,” Marius sighs, suddenly aware of her presence again. “Are you ready?”

“I just need to do my warm-up routine,” I reply, trying to sound kind and friendly. I don’t hear kindness nor friendliness in my tone. “A few minutes.”

He nods once. “Okay. Let me know when you’re finished.”

I know he’s being a professional, as always. It’s been his ethos since before we even met. In the gym, he’s Marius, the super friendly, chatty trainer, always helping and always smiling. Outside the gym, he’s a different man, especially where I’m concerned. I shouldn’t need his other persona now, not in a place where we both know he can’t be that way with me.

“How’ve you been, Shay?” Roxanne asks me.

I offer a faint smile. “Busy as usual, but good, thank you. How about you?”

“Oh, I was just telling Marius I’m starting a new job with a more flexible program. It turns out my previous job was one of the main reasons I was under so much pressure. It had an impact on my personal life, too, not to mention our relationship,” she says, placing a hand on his shoulder and watching me like a hawk.

Marius doesn’t move, and it bothers me. He doesn’t take his eyes off me, either, and the softness in them remains unwavering, as if he’s trying to tell me it’s okay. Yet my muted anxieties throw me for a loop, and all I can do is nod and smile.

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