Page 106 of Obsession Under the Southern Stars

“I’ve been thinking about going to a lawyer,” I blurt out.

Joel doesn’t react. He walks quietly for a bit, then says, “For what purpose?”

“I don’t know… to become his mother legally, I suppose.”

His hand tightens on mine for a moment. “You still believe getting it all out in the open is the right thing to do?”

“He’s my son. I think he should know the truth.”

We walk in silence again for a while. The quiet of the forest calms my roaring emotions. He was right; this is a good place to have this conversation.

“What do you think I should do?” I ask quietly.

He hesitates. “It’s not my place to say. Whatever you decide, I’ll support you.”

I swallow hard. “I appreciate that. But I’d like to know your opinion.”

He lifts my hand and kisses my fingers. “Okay. That’s fair. Did you have to sign adoption papers at the time?”

“I was high on medication for pain and depression, and I was fourteen, for Christ’s sake. I signed all the papers without knowing all the implications, or how I’d feel years down the line. That’s got to count for something.”

“Maybe. But I think if they’ve formally adopted him, the courts won’t overturn that decision.”

I think about that. “Okay, but surely they’d take into account how young I was, and that I didn’t have a say in it? Maybe they’ll give me joint custody? They could at least stop her from moving to Darwin?”

“Possibly.” He squeezes my hand. “But honey, I think you have to think very carefully about whether you want to start something you’re not going to be able to stop. Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, you’re not going to be able to get itback in. If you tell Rory you’re his mother, it’s going to change everything.”

“I know, but he’s so unhappy at the moment about going to Darwin—it’s not as if I’d be disrupting a happy and settled boy. I was thinking… I thought that maybe he could stay in Wellington. He could live with me here. I could even try to adopt him. I looked into it—it is possible for someone to be adopted twice.”

“I can see that happening if the first adoptive parents aren’t looking after the child. But in this case? If your mum decides to fight you all the way? I can’t see the courts giving you custody over your mum, honey. I think the best you could hope for would be joint custody, but I don’t know how that would work if she’s planning to leave the country. She sees him as her child now, and if she truly believes it would be best for him to go with her, she’s not going to let him go easily.”

My heart slowly sinks. I suppose I’d hoped he’d be behind me and back me all the way, but deep down, I know he’s thinking carefully about this, and he’s making good sense. I want him to say, ‘Of course the courts will give you custody, what a great idea, why don’t we get a big house together and Rory can come and live with the two of us and we’ll be one big happy family.’ But it’s not going to happen like that. It’s a fantasy that’s not going to become a reality in this lifetime. If I persist with it, Mum will fight me all the way, and all I’ll do is tear the family apart even more than it already is, and maybe I still won’t end up with Rory.

I’m never going to be his mother. I lost him when I was fourteen, and maybe it’s time I finally came to terms with the fact that I’m never going to get him back.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Joel

Zoe falls quiet after that. We continue to walk, but her shoulders have slumped, and I can feel how her spirits have sunk.

When we reach the seat by the river, I pull her onto it, while Howard splashes in the shallows, looking for stones.

“Come here,” I say to her, and I bring her into my arms and give her a hug. “I’m so, so sorry. I feel as if I’ve said the wrong thing.”

“No,” she murmurs, “you were right. I’ve been thinking very selfishly, just about myself and what I want. Not about Rory, really, or about my mum.”

“I think what you’ve been feeling is perfectly understandable, and I’m not surprised you’re angry at her. I don’t agree with what they did to you, Zoe. It doesn’t matter that you’d had an operation, or that you were struggling with the fact that you’d had a baby so young. They should have been big enough people to tell the world you’d had a baby, and to say they were going to support you, get you counseling, and help you look after him until you were ready. To go through the process of adoption and not think about how you were going to feel about that ten years down the line… it’s unforgivable.”

She looks up at me, her eyes shining. “Thank you,” she whispers. “I needed to hear that. All this time, I tried to tell myself I’m wrong to be angry with them. I’m not stupid—I know they did it because they thought it was best for both me and Rory at the time. So I’ve tried to accept it. And all it’s done is eat me up inside.”

I hold her tightly, and when she buries her face in my neck, I kiss the top of her hair. “You’ve been through so much,” I murmur. “And then to have Charles be so unsupportive…”

“His family has issues with depression,” she says, “and he didn’t want any part of a damaged girl who might have issues in later life. He wanted someone clean and untouched by mental health issues, and I guess I can’t blame him for that.”

“I can,” I say fiercely, feeling a surge of fury. “Fucking idiot.”

She gives a short laugh. “I love you for that,” she says, kissing my neck.

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